Like most of my rants, this one begins with the viewing of a film. And I'll tell you which one it is, but later. First, I want to get this out.

We have an innate need in us all- the need for connection. We long so deeply to have that inside joke with another person- to have someone who knows us wholly. They know the smell of our toots, how fussy we are when we haven't eaten, how desperately unreasonable we are when we have not slept enough. We want someone to know our inside jokes, the movie quotes that make us laugh, the songs from 1984 that make us cry. We long so desperately for someone to KNOW us, to GET us, to UNDERSTAND us. And when we find that person, presumably, we marry them.

And there is so much joy, such a burst of fireworks. We have found our other, our Missing Piece, as Shel Silverstein says. And everything just rolllllllllls. We hit a few bumps maybe, and occasionally become dislodged, but we always find ourselves back in synch, rolling along.

And then, one day, we don't. There's no explaining it, there's no real rationalization. It's just that, one day, that joke isn't funny anymore. And all the things that drew us together suddenly become the things that draw us apart- not because it isn't relevant anymore, it's just that the consistency of it makes us numb. It's always there. It's that little corner of the bed that you always hit your toe on. And then hop around because it hurts you so damn much, but after the 74th time you hit your toe, you learn. And one day, with out explanation, you give that corner of the bed a wider berth and stop hitting your toe altogether.

One day, your partner doesn't laugh at your joke. One day, your partner forgets that you saw Fargo, not Raising Arizona, on your first date. One day, they forget to tell you that you look good in that dress. They forget that they gave you that tie as a joke on your third anniversary of that job your never got. They forget that you really DO like crab Rangoon, even though it's no longer good for your physique. They forget WHY you liked Laurie Anderson, even when everyone else didn't get her, and that you thought of her shows as a spiritual experience, even though Jesus was never mentioned in specific. (And He doesn't HAVE to be, by the way...)

And one day, when your Other isn't noticing all those things, someone else does...

Someone laughs at your joke. They think you look good in that stupid-ass tie that was meant as a joke. They LOVE that movie that you quote entirely too often. And they LOVED Fargo, and they knew that Raising Arizona was released YEARS before, and that there were FAR less funny moments in Fargo. And they want to know you, REALLY know you. They think you're funny, and they are standing at the ready with a laugh for that joke you've told ten thousand times...

And there it is. That's all it takes.

An affair doesn't happen at the drop of a hat. People aren't suddenly fucking out of the blue. (I mean, I guess this happens on occasion, but this is not the norm.) People do not literally fall into bed with one another, completely baffled as to how their vagina came into direct contact with another human's penis. For the most part, it's a gradual process. And, by the way, it's one that you can discern if you are currently in a relationship. (I might add, I am not...)

Now, this point of view comes from someone who has never been married, so take it with a grain of salt. I don't know if I'll ever bother to get married, but I do want to on most days. But then, on those same days, it seems like too much damn trouble. And for all the aforementioned reasons.

It seems to me that, when people get married, they cease to grow as individuals. They then begin to grow as a couple. And that's great, but when individual growth stops, your partner has nothing new to cling to when your old shit becomes intolerable. People get lazy. They gain too much weight. The kids take too high a priority. (Yes, I said that.) People stop going to school, stop being involved in a social cause, stop going to separate Bible studies, stop being concerned with separate political issues. What's left, then? I mean, other than a GIANT gap that another person can fill without really even trying?

This is how you can marry and MBA, and then suddenly your secretary with a GED an become interesting. It's not that one is better, although one is, no doubt, but that one is DIFFERENT, and THAT is the key...

And this is one of the many reasons I cannot bother to get married. It's worth it to not have sex for all of eternity, if that's what that means, to not have sex with someone who finds someone else to have sex with while I wasn't paying enough attention. Or vice versa.

I have a child. That's no big mystery to anyone who reads my blogs. And though he's grown USED to not having a father, he would READILY adapt to someone to purported himself to be his father. It's no different with a married couple. You will seek out and fill in the gaps with the person who most readily accepts and fills in those gaps.

I can find a husband any old time. Burke can find a Father any old time. But the query remains- who will try to fill that void once the void has already been filled? It is desperately true that no one can truly be trusted. Anyone, and everyone, is genuinely replaceable.

How many of us TRULY have a good marriage? I can think of only ONE couple that I know, and she and I were talking about their perfect relationship only earlier today. Everyone else, they're up for grabs- subject to the highest bidder. And before you come down on me for saying such horrible things- stop and think about how many couples YOU know who are NOT subject to this increasing fallibility. Not many, I recon.

Is there hope? Sure. I have to believe there is, because I still want to be married. (Though I refuse to settle for the wrong guy just to allow my son to say he has a "Dad".) Someone is out there for me, and I for him, and we will someday meet in the darkened corridors as we seek out the bathroom frustratedly in the middle of a Chuck Palahniuk adaptation.

It's hard to buy the dream when I see so many of my friends living the nightmare. It's hard to believe there is something more when I see so many people losing their missing piece. It's hard to think it's going to be Catch and Release when, in reality, it's Little Children.

So yes, my darlings, there it is. Rent Little Children and pay close attention. There is MUCH to pay attention to in that film (though I will, for once, digress on the child molester topic). See what your marriage is, or what it has become. Learn. Learn. Learn. Learn. Learn. (Quote from Robert DeNiro in Awakenings.) See. And stop the wreckage.

I can't, so far, and so I remain... cracking myself up with my own obscure movie quotes. Funny how I never seem to tire of myself...