Weeping for Sandcastles

It's almost 4:30 a.m. I woke up about an hour ago from a dream that caused me extreme pain, and I've been up talking to my Creator about it for the past hour. This is where I have been many times before. It's different now since the ice cage melted. I find myself completely able to run to God with it like a child runs to their parent with a skinned knee. But it still hurts...oh how it stings. I have talked to Him about it here in the wee hours of the morning, crying and asking Him why. And I believe His gentle answer is this:

I suddenly saw myself and a little girl playing on the beach making intricate sandcastles full of sunny turrets, enchanting rooms, and beautiful happenings. Each time my creation was nearly complete the tide would come in and wash it away, and I would be heartbroken over what I thought of as mine. A pretty yet sad picture right? A little girl crying in the sand. But suddenly pulling back and broadening the view there is something in the background...it's a real castle, more beautiful than anything that the little girl ever had or ever could create. It is founded upon an unshakable rock and built with eternal stones that should the whole ocean rise up to swallow it it would fail. It is full of rooms that would take more than her entire lifetime to explore, endless turrets bathed in golden endless sunlight, and happenings more beautiful than any earthly camera or book could capture. It is there and it is all hers. She is a princess, yet she sits in the sand crying and miserable over her own creations.

Oh God, my Beautiful Creator, I want no more sand castles. I don't want to weep over my own creations any more. Save me from my sandy milieu, and carry me into what is beautiful and real and true.

C'est la vie!
Rachel

Post a comment

How do you say "I'm SO sorry" to GOD?!

" No one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can't draw fresh water from a salty spring." - James 3:8-12

"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." - Jesus (Luke 6:45)

I've been sick today, so I took a half day at work and have spent the rest of my afternoon at home sleeping on my floor, reading, and trying to stay hydrated. The above scriptures have been heavy on my mind today. The past two years have been extremely hard and defining for me. A lifetime of what I thought was real and true melted away as sand castles in the high tide, and all of my thinking and plans have had to change. If you know me, you know that I can be very stubborn when it comes to changing my ideas and plans...otherwise this process might not have taken two years to resolve. Anyway, through that process my heart and mind went through a lot of darkness, a lot of disenchantment, a LOT of "I can't believe this is happening!!" and, now fresh out of the mud pit, I look back and I can see how much bitterness and hatred and fear that I allowed to build up inside of me and spill out on friends, family, and even strangers. The other day I went and apologized to one person who had been in my life who took a particularly hard beating from me with astounding grace and patience. So very like how God has handled me through the whole thing. I could apologize to my once friend (who I did actually drive away in spite of his tenacity), and that was very hard since I couldn't seem to find words that were sincere enough or strong enough to fix anything. So if it was that hard to apologize to a human, you can imagine that my mind is reeling when it comes to apologizing to my Creator. Perhaps it sounds easy to you. Maybe you are saying "Just do it and move on." But words just don't suffice. I have a mud pit that is two years deep that is absolutely full and overflowing with my hateful selfish thoughts and actions justified by the amount of pain that I was in. And you know that I say "justified" with sarcasm. I know that God loves me and forgives me, yet as I stand staggered by the ugliness that spewed forth from my heart I want to say something or do something...anything that is real enough to be a real apology to God. I am so ashamed. Instead of welcoming these trials as James said to do I fell under the weight. And yet God still loves me..He has lifted me up from the mud pit, hosed me off, placed a new robe of joy upon me, and has said "My grace is sufficient for you." It's so humbling to discover what you were really made of. It's SO humbling when you look at yourself and think wow I'm really getting somewhere, but then the Potter's hands crush you into and unrecognizable lump and begins to shape you into something completely different. He is my God, my Creator, the Potter who shapes me the ever stubborn clay. Without His grace my apologies are futile and repentance is impossible. But through Christ He can save me not only from sin, but from myself.
C. S. Lewis said in his essay "The Efficacy of Prayer"
"If we were stronger we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle."

God is my God because there is nothing I can do to apologize enough to Him, love Him enough, or be strong enough. Even my strongest goodness is "as filthy rags in His sight." And yet He loves me. He comes after me and saves me and holds on to me stronger than I can hold on to Him. He never leaves me in spite of everything. Oh how I love Him...and I will love Him more and more until I finally get to meet Him face to face. And I pray that when I do meet Him the face that he sees on me is the one that he made and not some distorted thing that I tried to piece together with my own vision, power, and strength.

C'est la vie!!
Rachel

Post a comment

Back in the Game Full Swing

My mind is still overflowing, but I'm too tired to type it out. It has been an amazing day! First off the weather was once again melt-me-GLORIOUS! And secondly, I went to church...twice. This morning I went to a Presbyterian church where we sang hymns and stood and sat a lot. I ADORE hymns by the way. Hymns vs. modern Christian worship is like C.S. Lewis John Bevere. No offense :) THEN tonight I went to a Pentecostal church where we clapped and danced and shouted a lot. I quite honestly enjoyed both. They both had mixes of Christian silliness that originally drove me a way before, but also a nourishing sincerity. The Spirit really is in the midst of gatherings of God's people, whether they are the stoic hymn singers or the hyper holy rollers. These people are all people, 100% human, so there is going to be human shit in the Christian mix no matter where you go, but when it comes down to it God's love and Spirit permeates the whole thing. I know He doesn't like everything that goes on, but, unlike me, He won't abandon His people in their silliness and imperfection. He remains right there with them as long as they claim Him knocking on every heart and mind calling forth His truth and it prevails where it is allowed to and it stifled where it's not. I love my Beautiful Creator, His Selfless Son, and His ever Persistent Spirit. He's stronger than Me. He has held on to me tighter than I could hold on to Him. But He is everything I need and He won't leave me :)

C'est la vie!!
Rachel

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Robert Robinson, 1735–1790

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount
I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Post a comment

Hello Virb!

The ice cage has melted! If you're close to me you know and see what I mean. I feel like my mind and heart are exploding, and I've been restraining myself from overloading twitter with the flash-flood of my thoughts. It's like running ten miles then trying to breathe through a coffee stirring stick. So, to spare the tweeps, I have unearthed my dusty old Virb account and will now use it as an outlet to blog. You know it's serious when Rachel starts blogging!

Okay, I have my Virb, I have my coffee, my thoughts are rushing,
Where to start...
I can't start from the beginning because though it's been not even a week it's miles away now. So I'll just start with my thoughts right here. I don't know who will read this...in fact it once again feels like an empty room, which I quite like :) I can be as loud and grammatically incorrect as I want!!! Not to mention as choppy as I want. No bothering with good transitions.

So I was reading in Ephesians this morning, because I can REALLY read the Bible now, and in chapter 3 Paul starts talking about a "mystery." The "mystery of Christ." Verse 6: " This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus."

So why did this in particular stand out to me?

There has been one of a multitude of burning questions in my heart about the belief system that I claim to be a part of, and it is this: Why would God create a planet full of people and then choose only one small nation to be his "chosen people." It just seems weird and cruel. What about all of the other people? Why would He just ignore them while they go to hell and claim the Israelites? I could expound on that question for hours but I think that sums it up right there. And here is the answer: He chose them so that He COULD have everyone else.

I don't know if you're able to track with me here...
or maybe you're saying "Duh, you didn't know that?"
Either way my understanding is now this:

God had to sow the seed of salvation for the humanity that He created. He cannot make an entire world choose Him because part of our existence is free will. So he chose one person who chose Him and He spoke to Him the promise of salvation. That person became a family. That family became twelve tribes. Those twelve tribes became a nation. The seed he had sown was not yet visible but it was growing. The cellular system was multiplying as it does naturally. He was able to speak to and guide this nation though they were not perfect and did not always listen to Him, the seed continued to grow. Eventually the fruit became visible in the form of Christ, and more seeds were developed. When Christ took on the cross He made it possible for all of the world to be fertile ground where it was once stone. And then the church began and seeds were scattered EVERYWHERE and now it is possible for EVERYONE to receive salvation and have a relationship with God! But it all started with one seed. One nation. Not because God wanted to be all religious and exclude everyone else, but because He was loving and that was how He would one day be able to include everyone who wanted to be included! So now the choosing of one nation no longer confuses me.

If your reading this you might not have a clue what I am rambling about. It's okay!
God set apart one nation so that he could include all. Christianity is not an exclusive religion. One God, yes. But ALL people who choose.

Because He chose us first :)

C'est la vie!!
Rachel

Post a comment

"To Dare to Hope..."

A year and three months ago I posted that blog...it has been a LONG three years and three months, and things really haven't gotten any easier. In fact, when junk happens I have a habit of cleaning and organizing anything and everything I can get my hands on. Recently a new trauma happened, needless to say I'm cleaning, and my cleaning has reached my Virb account. Last night I tripped my way around the new Virb site (which, by the way I hate) and delete all of my old blog posts except the one titled "To Dare to Hope, to Dare to Die." That one I decided to keep because even though that thought came out of me I need to remind myself of it. It's so easy to not want to look forward because of everything that is past. My most recent trauma was the loss of a friend who didn't want to be a friend, and I understand, but all I can keep thinking is "But God, I don't want face all of this without him." But it appears that He has just given me another dare to hope. I don't want to, but this is what it takes for hope to be refined. It is my hope that when all false hope is skimmed away that I am left with nothing but shiny, valuable, 24 carat hope which is, "Not disappointed."
Here's to hope.

C'est la vie,
Rachel Leigh

Post a comment

To dare to hope...to dare to die.

"Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept
hoping--believing...For God had said..." Romans 4:18

Over the years God has defined different words for me by taking me through certain things.
Right now He is defining the word "hope" for me.
Sometimes, especially recently, I just don't feel like hoping or looking forward any more.
Proverbs 14:13 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"...no lie.
but then when I read God's word and come across scriptures like Romans 4:18
I realize, what valiance is there in never hoping? For what is lost hope in God's sight
but an opportunity to resurrect a new and far more real hope? Where the lost hope
was only a false hope, and it did not lead to God's promise, a new hope can be planted
and give birth to the promise that is being hoped for.
Abraham dared to hope, and Abraham dared to die to his ideas instead of clinging to them.
Isaac was the son promised to Abraham, but when God required Abraham to sacrifice him
Abraham did not know what the outcome would be...he just trusted that God's promise was
true even if it might not happen the way he was hoping at the moment.
He dared to hope and he dared to die, and in doing so he received the promise.
So when life weighs on me and my mind is reeling, scared of hurting and scared of loss,
I think "Dare to hope. Dare to die."
For to hope and to die only means that God's plan is far more perfect and beautiful
than I had imagined...

C'est la vie,
RACHEL LEIGH

1 Comment