Friday Night at Panera

Middle-aged man, khaki pants, khaki jacket, khaki socks, navy Crocs. He pulled a tissue from his pocket, causing a used one to fall to the ground. He kicked this toward the counter. The pretty cashier took the man's order and accepted the money from one grubby paw. …

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

1992: My mom sat downstairs, listening to Rush Limbaugh, doing jigsaw puzzles. I sat upstairs, reading Laura Ingalls Wilder books for fun after a snack of chocolate pudding.

2003: My mom sat downstairs, listening to Rush Limbaugh, doing jigsaw puzzles. I sat …

Not Joking

Ten bucks to the first person who comes over and smacks the snot out of my head and/or gives me drugs.

And More Oreos, Francis

Cramming an entire telecourse into one week is stupid. Taking five tests in two days is also stupid. Ignoring a faint sore throat and avoiding sleep to study for hours on end is a good way to possibly pass and definitely get sick.

I sit here with a tissue shoved in …

Next Step: Workin' on my Whiskey Face

We have two sizes of drinking glasses at my house. I'm normally extremely loyal to the tall, skinny glasses, since they hold more liquid. I don't know if I'm so thirsty because I'm too lazy to eat, or if I'm so lazy because I'm so dehydrated. Regardless, we can all …

Turning Over a New Leaf . . . or a New Tree

My Dear 2009,

You already smell so fresh and promising, like clean sheets and autumn breezes and other things often found in laundry commercials. We've started off nicely, with an organized closet and clean clothes and a shower and shaved legs (in the middle of …

Another Year-End Post Sponsored by Sparkling White Grape Juice

So long, 2008. And to some degree, good riddance.

I really can't say too many bad things about a year that included yetis, avenging my childhood by downloading and watching The Phantom Tollbooth, my Sim-tastic marriage to Frodo Baggins, and the discovery of wwujd.com …

Lessons Learned

I will probably always learn lessons the hard way. I am extremely stubborn and proud, so it is often difficult to get through to me by just saying, "Umm, Rachel, that sounds like a dumb idea." I try to avoid dumb ideas altogether, but as a human, I tend to gravitate …

Sageskirts Advice: Wisdom Teeth Edition

SuperSanko, my little brother, is having surgery tomorrow to remove his wisdom teeth. I suffered through the same process four years ago, so I thought I'd share some sisterly advice:

1. Wendy's has the best ice cubes. They are crescent-shaped and fit nicely inside your …

Steal This Idea: Google Board Game

I'd like to play a board game that requires you to hone your skills with Google and Wikipedia. Perhaps Trivial Pursuit has already made something like this, but if not, they should. Basically, you're given an obscure thing to look up online, and the first one to find …

Please, Sir, May I Have Some More?

While watching Lord of the Rings tonight, my brother and I decided that the world would be a better place if it included more of the following things:

• jet packs
• explosions
• dragons
• pirates
• ninjas
• laser guns
• lightsabers
• musical numbers (particularly epic soundtracks)
• walking …

Community College Chronicles: Part Two

Blonde hair. Greasy, but fashionably so. Messy, but purposefully so. Everything about you was screaming, "I'm trying very hard to look like I'm not trying very hard. Notice me! Don't notice me!"

I noticed you.

I heard you as you walked into the bathroom, shouting …

Googleskirts

I am proud that people came to my site by searching for the following things:

• Amazing things you wouldn't even know
• Don't be sippin' on that haterade
• Elijah Wood
• Elijah Wood 2008
• Elijah Wood October 2008
• Fancy way of saying computer nerd
• How do you get to the levels in DK64
• I …

Community College Chronicles: Part One

You scratched your beard and asked your cell phone, "Where you at?" It did not answer. Meanwhile, I stared in wonder at your giant purple cargo pants and once again came to the sad conclusion that I am shopping in all the wrong stores.

Buried Treasure

I have a younger cousin who really enjoys sending forwards. Most of them have been circulating the internet for at least ten years, but now they're all written in Comic Sans with glittery images sprinkled all over the place. I was skimming that one about "I once knew …

Atop the Lonely Mountain

I miss having friends who will push you into a van and force you to accompany them on a thirteen-hour road trip. Yeah, we ended up having to spend the night on the side of the road in a freak snowstorm in Texas in a van with a giant hole in the front, but I would have …

Take a Number

I think I'm going to start making chat appointments when I'm using an instant messenger program. That way, I can talk to one person at a time for no longer than thirty minutes, and anyone else who wants to gab can leave a message after the beep. Trying to stretch my …

Angel Pee

My microeconomics class is a fun mix of students who don't want to learn and a professor who is way too good for the school. He has insanely high expectations, which means everyone else hates him while I completely adore him. Raising the bar means that I actually feel …

Hindsight

It might seem like a good idea to put off all your homework until the night before it's due, but when that time rolls around it will seem like a much better idea to fall asleep and never wake up.

In related news, Grannyskirts is apparently incapable of pulling …

Wanna Watch Kung Fu?

My life is taking an Office Space-esque turn these days. I haven't had a chat with the Bobs yet, but I think I've been hypnotized. If I had a cubicle wall to push over, I would. Instead, I'm just playing that gangsta song on repeat and sleeping in a lot.