86 Useless Facts Left to Write, 86 Useless Facts . . .

. . . Take one down, pass it around, 86 useless facts left to write.

Huzzah! The third installment of "101 Things About Me" is totally here, y'all. (Part one is here, and part two is here.) It's a bit of a wake-up call when you realize that you can't come up with …

Clearly, I'm not the one chosen to bring sexy back.

So, just when I thought I was done being eighty-two years old, I looked down to find myself wearing a robe. With black socks. Which were covered in cat hair.

Panera Kyle, I don't even know what to tell you this time. I wouldn't date me right now, either.

Dora the Demon

The above lyrics have been running through my head all day. Apparently, the first line is "somebody told me you had a boyfriend" without the word "that," but whatever. The Paint image was already created by the time I thought of that.

In other news, I uttered the …

Pumpkin or Cartman? Your call.

My camera has disappeared, leaving me no choice but to draw pictures of pumpkins on Paint. Buy me a Nikon D80 if you would like the madness to stop. Please and thank you.

Once Upon a Bagel

Dear Kyle from Panera,

You don't know me, but I think you're rather dreamy. My coworkers were teasing me yesterday that my only chance for finding a boyfriend here was to nab a Panera guy, since that's the only public place I really go anymore. I'd like to do just …

Too bad I'm lazy.

Sometimes, I look down at my stomach and wish I could work out for like ten hours straight and magically, like on Sims 2, be completely fit. Then, I fall asleep.

On a semi-related note . . . My coworker caught me warming my toes at the space heater the other day. She …

Twisted Logic

I just realized that I'm the only person at work without pictures of my family members strewn all over my desk or flowers or cute pencil holders or anything. It's not that I don't like photographs or plants or pencils. Truthfully, I think I don't want to get too cozy …

News Flash

I have now flossed two days in a row.

Genius on Wheels

I have an idea. Maybe you could get it from the Just a Crazy Thought stage to the Now Available at Target stage. Here it is . . .

Motorized office chairs.

Stellar, right? It came to me during passing period one day in junior high. Being a lazy child, I hated …

At least the obituary will be joyful.

I love both of my parents for having such well-developed senses of humor. My dad in particular is never afraid to laugh until his face starts turning deep shades of red and he can no longer breathe. Sometimes, he starts coughing, and I legitimately worry that he will …

91 Things Still Not Accounted For

I've been trying to work on my "101 Things About Me" list this week. (Note: If you missed the first installment, click here.) Unfortunately, I'm still not used to working full-time, so I'm pretty wiped when I come home. So, in a bold move, I've been saving my ideas …

Stubbornness is what really killed the cat.

So, recently, things have gotten a little chillier here in the Chicago area. When I got home from work yesterday, it was 53

You know you live in Chicago when . . .

. . . the Sox-loving neighbors come over with brooms to make goat noises at you after the Cubs get swept in the play-offs.

May I alphabetize those calories for you?

As the (sometimes proud) owner of a very obsessive-compulsive personality, I find great pleasure in establishing traditions with family members and friends. Routines and patterns make the world go 'round. In a perfect circle.

One of my favorite new traditions …

The cat isn't the only ridiculous one in this family.

My dad drove me to work this morning. I was running late, so I dashed out the door with shoes and earrings and keys in hand, banana in mouth, and unhappy words in mind. I managed to squish everything in the car except for one renegade shoe, which decided it wanted to …

This is the same cat who thinks he's a dog.

Here follows a perfect example of why you should never ask me about my cats (oh, and for the record, "Pimp" is a nickname, not a status):

Pimp: how is the little beasties?

Me: The dog is still nearly dead.

Me: The one cat still licks the fur off her butt.

Me: And the …