Community College Chronicles: Part Two

Blonde hair. Greasy, but fashionably so. Messy, but purposefully so. Everything about you was screaming, "I'm trying very hard to look like I'm not trying very hard. Notice me! Don't notice me!"

I noticed you.

I heard you as you walked into the bathroom, shouting …

Googleskirts

I am proud that people came to my site by searching for the following things:

• Amazing things you wouldn't even know
• Don't be sippin' on that haterade
• Elijah Wood
• Elijah Wood 2008
• Elijah Wood October 2008
• Fancy way of saying computer nerd
• How do you get to the levels in DK64
• I …

Community College Chronicles: Part One

You scratched your beard and asked your cell phone, "Where you at?" It did not answer. Meanwhile, I stared in wonder at your giant purple cargo pants and once again came to the sad conclusion that I am shopping in all the wrong stores.

Buried Treasure

I have a younger cousin who really enjoys sending forwards. Most of them have been circulating the internet for at least ten years, but now they're all written in Comic Sans with glittery images sprinkled all over the place. I was skimming that one about "I once knew …

Atop the Lonely Mountain

I miss having friends who will push you into a van and force you to accompany them on a thirteen-hour road trip. Yeah, we ended up having to spend the night on the side of the road in a freak snowstorm in Texas in a van with a giant hole in the front, but I would have …

Take a Number

I think I'm going to start making chat appointments when I'm using an instant messenger program. That way, I can talk to one person at a time for no longer than thirty minutes, and anyone else who wants to gab can leave a message after the beep. Trying to stretch my …

Angel Pee

My microeconomics class is a fun mix of students who don't want to learn and a professor who is way too good for the school. He has insanely high expectations, which means everyone else hates him while I completely adore him. Raising the bar means that I actually feel …

Hindsight

It might seem like a good idea to put off all your homework until the night before it's due, but when that time rolls around it will seem like a much better idea to fall asleep and never wake up.

In related news, Grannyskirts is apparently incapable of pulling …

Wanna Watch Kung Fu?

My life is taking an Office Space-esque turn these days. I haven't had a chat with the Bobs yet, but I think I've been hypnotized. If I had a cubicle wall to push over, I would. Instead, I'm just playing that gangsta song on repeat and sleeping in a lot.

Steal This Idea: Computer Virus

Okay, so here's the idea. Write a virus that causes every picture in a Publisher-created website to be replaced by a picture of The Fonz. Yes, this will affect my church's website, and heck yes, it will be awesome.

Bond. Super Hot James Bond.

This is a screenshot taken a few minutes ago of my Twitter stream. My brother talked me into going to the midnight showing of the new Bond movie, and as you can tell, I didn't regret it one single bit. Apparently, neither did he. I can tell you for a fact that …

Grannyskirts vs. Crazy Internet Words

Me: I used to think FTW was just WTF backwards.

Me: Which made WoW talk REALLY interesting.

Me: And then after like two full days of FTW! talk in game, I decided to Google it.

Me: And har har.

Me: Not the same.

Him: FREE THE WHALES!

Me: Forget the whales!

Him: Free the …

Eat One, Adopt the Other

I just thought a box of Wheat Thins was SpongeBob SquarePants, which tells me that 1) these contacts don't really last all day and 2) I need to lay off the crack.

P.S. Happy Veteran's Day!

Necessary Dancing Only, Please

While I was flipping through my journals from this year, I found this great list. These were notes I took at the Dave Brubeck concert I attended this summer. I meant to string them together coherently into an entry one day, but that never happened. Just use your …

Grumpyskirts

I could just be in a bad mood, but I think the little messages in Dove Promises have started going downhill. Like, I'm pretty sure they aren't even trying anymore. Recent examples:

• "Hey, why not?"
• "Watch reruns, they replay your memories."
• "Smile before you go to bed. …

Fraidyskirts

I was at the church all by myself today, which is always super creepy, especially after dark. Walking by windows makes me feel vulnerable, and I expect someone to pop up at any moment and throw his whole body through the glass before stabbing me to death. I hear the …

Happy Late Early Birthday Christmas Day!

This morning, I mentioned on Twitter that UPS had delivered a lovely package to my house, addressed to Sexy Pirate Princess. I immediately knew that it had to be from my beloved friend, Sexy Beast. He's in the Marines now, so I should probably be the one sending him …

Proving That There Is Such a Thing as a Stupid Question

Birds instinctively know to fly south for the winter and to get the hell out of there in spring. Humans, on the other hand, instinctively know:

• how to draw stick figures
• how to make a finger gun
• that farts and burps are funny
• that pirates are totally better than …

The Only Tree Worth Hugging

My grandmother gave me this tree to plant when I was five or six years old. I was taller than it at the time, and we raced to new heights together. Unfortunately, I stopped at 5' 5.5", but this sucker just kept growing.

It got struck by lightning one year, and a …

Steal This Idea: Drive-Thru Desserts

Alright, internet. So, I know I just tricked a lot of you into calling the Rejection Hotline because, well, the temptation to abuse Twitter is just impossible to resist sometimes. But let's forget that funny little prank and move on to something way more …