Bond. Super Hot James Bond.

This is a screenshot taken a few minutes ago of my Twitter stream. My brother talked me into going to the midnight showing of the new Bond movie, and as you can tell, I didn't regret it one single bit. Apparently, neither did he. I can tell you for a fact that …

Steal This Idea: Computer Virus

Okay, so here's the idea. Write a virus that causes every picture in a Publisher-created website to be replaced by a picture of The Fonz. Yes, this will affect my church's website, and heck yes, it will be awesome.

Grannyskirts vs. Crazy Internet Words

Me: I used to think FTW was just WTF backwards.

Me: Which made WoW talk REALLY interesting.

Me: And then after like two full days of FTW! talk in game, I decided to Google it.

Me: And har har.

Me: Not the same.

Him: FREE THE WHALES!

Me: Forget the whales!

Him: Free the …

Eat One, Adopt the Other

I just thought a box of Wheat Thins was SpongeBob SquarePants, which tells me that 1) these contacts don't really last all day and 2) I need to lay off the crack.

P.S. Happy Veteran's Day!

Necessary Dancing Only, Please

While I was flipping through my journals from this year, I found this great list. These were notes I took at the Dave Brubeck concert I attended this summer. I meant to string them together coherently into an entry one day, but that never happened. Just use your …

Grumpyskirts

I could just be in a bad mood, but I think the little messages in Dove Promises have started going downhill. Like, I'm pretty sure they aren't even trying anymore. Recent examples:

• "Hey, why not?"
• "Watch reruns, they replay your memories."
• "Smile before you go to bed. …

Fraidyskirts

I was at the church all by myself today, which is always super creepy, especially after dark. Walking by windows makes me feel vulnerable, and I expect someone to pop up at any moment and throw his whole body through the glass before stabbing me to death. I hear the …

Happy Late Early Birthday Christmas Day!

This morning, I mentioned on Twitter that UPS had delivered a lovely package to my house, addressed to Sexy Pirate Princess. I immediately knew that it had to be from my beloved friend, Sexy Beast. He's in the Marines now, so I should probably be the one sending him …

Proving That There Is Such a Thing as a Stupid Question

Birds instinctively know to fly south for the winter and to get the hell out of there in spring. Humans, on the other hand, instinctively know:

• how to draw stick figures
• how to make a finger gun
• that farts and burps are funny
• that pirates are totally better than …

The Only Tree Worth Hugging

My grandmother gave me this tree to plant when I was five or six years old. I was taller than it at the time, and we raced to new heights together. Unfortunately, I stopped at 5' 5.5", but this sucker just kept growing.

It got struck by lightning one year, and a …

Steal This Idea: Drive-Thru Desserts

Alright, internet. So, I know I just tricked a lot of you into calling the Rejection Hotline because, well, the temptation to abuse Twitter is just impossible to resist sometimes. But let's forget that funny little prank and move on to something way more …

Forget Terrorists and Beauty Queens

I voted for Juan Pedro as court jester and Royal Sock Monkey, Timmy Venture as financial secretary, and myself as queen. You?

Save Money by Ordering Now

A few people expressed their concern after I mentioned yesterday that I don't want to have children. To clarify, I currently have zero interest in producing offspring. After I marry Elijah Wood, I might decide to bless the world with a Miniskirts or two (and holy cow, …

Voted Most Likely to Become a Cat Lady

I have no desire to have kids. None whatsoever. Babies are no good at pillaging or plundering, and they require way too much maintenance. Also, I'm not real keen on gaining a bunch of weight and a handful of stretch marks and a craving for pickles. I don't want to …

Next Up: Curing the Common Cold

Things I Have Done Today in an Effort to Avoid Doing Homework:

• Watched the last two episodes of the previous season of House, M.D.
• Cried a lot at the last episode of the previous season of House, M.D.
• Laughed away the tears by watching the first episode of the previous …

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

My coworker was recently teasing a baby who was trying in vain to put her chubby baby foot in her tiny baby mouth. Another coworker walked by and made a comment about that not being as difficult as it looked, which made the first coworker scoff. A guffaw was also …

Plenty of Sunshine Headin' My Way

Things That Made My Heart Flutter Today:

• A little tornado of golden leaves that came to life in the middle of the street
• Realizing that I am friends with multiple people who will let me ramble about dragon stores
• Daydreaming about taking a year off to simply read and …

Amber Is the Color of Your Energy

In case you hadn't heard, this is my favorite time of the year. Sorry for the backdated posting again. I'm busy enjoying the leaves. I suggest you do the same.

Whistle While You Work

Confession: I do not have the best attitude about my job. I work at a church, so you'd think everything would be wonderful. But hey, Christians are people, too, and let's just say that it is sometimes glaringly obvious that we need a Savior.

I was put in my place …

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

To those who have asked: I did not turn down any of the marriage proposals directly, but I would only seriously consider marrying two of the boys who asked. I would leave either of them for Elijah Wood.