Mark my words, Monsieur Khakipants. When I am queen, that kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

2003: My mom sat downstairs, listening to Rush Limbaugh, doing jigsaw puzzles. I sat upstairs, reading Kate Chopin's The Awakening for school and snacking on chocolate pudding.

2009: My mom sits downstairs, listening to Rush Limbaugh, doing jigsaw puzzles. I sit upstairs, reading Kate Chopin's short stories for school and snacking on chocolate pudding, wondering how so little has changed since first grade.

Cramming an entire telecourse into one week is stupid. Taking five tests in two days is also stupid. Ignoring a faint sore throat and avoiding sleep to study for hours on end is a good way to possibly pass and definitely get sick.

I sit here with a tissue shoved in each nostril, a glass of chocolate milk before me (picture was taken last night, when I was rockin' the tea thing), and a tiny white pill in the bottom of my tummy. I hear the pill will stop the sniffles and the headache, and oh, that is music to my clogged ears.

Soon and very soon, I hope to fall asleep and never go to class again. Never go to work again. Never leave bed again. I will acquire some hired help and spend the rest of my days alternating between watching Lord of the Rings, drinking beverages through swirly straws, feasting upon pizza and chocolate and ice cream (and Oreos!), and dreaming my life away. I'm sure there's a way to get the internet to fund that for me, right? Right. Sweet. More pillows, Nigel.

But tonight, I went to pour the remainder of the New Year's Eve sparkling white grape juice into a glass. Only a pitiful amount was left, and I knew it would look even more pathetic in a tall glass. So in a bold move, I chose to fill a short, squatty glass with the remainder of the juice, trying to avoid the "is this half full or half empty?" conversation with the cat sitting on my foot.

I distracted myself by staring into the liquid, at which point I noticed that the majority of its "sparkle" had gone the way of 2008. However, the remaining fizz still allowed me to pretend that I was drinking a classy, alcoholic beverage instead of a glorified kindergarten staple. (If I'm being honest, that's one of my favorite parts of sparkling white grape juice and the main reason I chugged it straight from the bottle through most of 2007.) While I was thinking of alcohol, I noticed that the short, squatty glass in my hand could be mistaken for a very distant cousin of a traditional whiskey glass. I mean, one would probably have to be relatively smashed to make such a mistake, but there's still a chance that it could happen.

All this to say, I have spent the entire evening drinking apple juice from a short, squatty glass (oh my gosh, could I find another word for "glass" yet?) and pretending to be relaxed and charming because of it. Please tell me you did something cooler with your Saturday night.

You already smell so fresh and promising, like clean sheets and autumn breezes and other things often found in laundry commercials. We've started off nicely, with an organized closet and clean clothes and a shower and shaved legs (in the middle of winter!) and healthy foods. On the other hand, I sense that this dreamy romance of ours could be rather short-lived, since unpleasant circumstances and responsibilities are piling up at work and school. I am skeptical, 2009. I have been burned before, and I'd rather not have that happen again.

That said, let's get around to laying down the ground rules. Play close attention, or you too will end up in eternal time-out.

Rule #1: Since it seems that I can't get through a year without a Hell Week, let me once again limit the number of Hell Weeks allowed to one (1) per year. The tradition is that these things occur some time in the Spring, but I beg of you not to throw anything nasty at me during finals, mmk? I'd like to graduate before I'm forty, so I can't risk failing my exams because of your poor timing on the Hell Week thing.

Rule #2: Again, consider it one of your main goals to rock my socks off. I finally organized my sock drawer last week, so you can even rock matching pairs of socks from my feet. Sounds fun, huh? Well, trust me, it is. Let's get started on this part right away.

Rule #3: Take care of my friends and family. 2008 received a grade of EPIC FAIL on this rule, and I will cut you if you follow that same path. There are some really nifty people in my life, both online and off, and I have no desire to see them cry. Pirates are no good at comforting people in distress or at curing cancer, so just play nice.

Last year, I had the crazy goals of blogging daily and exercising daily. I failed at both, but I did blog more in 2008 than in any other year. (Maybe. I didn't actually verify that. Just pretend.) So in 2009, I'd like to commit to blogging and exercising three to five times per week. That seems reasonable, and it will hopefully help me to feel guilty less often. Pirates are no good at feeling guilty.

Anyway, 2009, you have your rules. Obey them, and I will give you a pot of gold, a kiss on the mouth, and a partridge in a pear tree. (Pirates are definitely good at kissing.)

God bless, my sweet 2009, and best wishes to all who will be enduring it with me.

Happy New Year!

I really can't say too many bad things about a year that included yetis, avenging my childhood by downloading and watching The Phantom Tollbooth, my Sim-tastic marriage to Frodo Baggins, and the discovery of wwujd.com (What Would Uncle Jesse Do?) all in the first month. Then again, you broke my heart by failing to bring me together with 2007's Panera Kyle or this year's Cute Tuesday Boy.

I'm too lazy to flip through the rest of the archives to remember what else happened, so let's skip to the performance review. Now, I gave you some pretty clear instructions, and I'd like to know what exactly was so difficult to understand about Rule #3. A lot of my friends had fairly terrible years, losing jobs and dealing with miscarriages and suffering from severe illnesses and grieving the loss of loved ones. I don't really mind so much that you gave me a Hell Week -- I think I'm getting used to them now -- but I do need to give you a b'massive scolding for beating up my friends and family so badly. You are so totally getting put on the naughty list for that. In fact, you're also on time-out, so go find a corner and be quiet for the rest of eternity.

Anyway, thanks for the job and the education and the fish and the sock monkey and the friends and the family and even the make-out sessions, but I think you could've tried a little harder to rock my socks off, 2008. Hopefully, 2009 will learn from your mistakes.

Much love (but not really),
Rachelskirts

That said, I learned quite a few good lessons this week, many of them the hard way. First, never tell people that you cried while watching Elf with your family. These people will mock you until you cry again, and then they will mock you some more. (I'm looking at you, Ryan.) Second, making fun of someone whose wisdom teeth just got pulled is not as easy as it sounds. Once you run out of chipmunk material, there aren't many other places to go. I suppose that explains why oral surgeons don't dabble in stand-up on the weekends. Third, Timmy Venture will not clean his own fish bowl, no matter how many times I threaten to take away his fake plant friend. And last but not least, do not start a list without knowing where it is going because you often end up going out on a lame note and looking like a dolt.

1. Wendy's has the best ice cubes. They are crescent-shaped and fit nicely inside your cheeks. I don't know what fart machine Taco Bell uses to produce their ice turds, but don't even go there. You'll be extremely disappointed in the taste, texture, and shape.
2. Make sure you pass out before they start asking any embarrassing questions. I was fortunate in that they asked me what school I was attending at the time and how to spell the name. L-e-T-o-u-r-n-e-a-u. I slurred my way through the first five hundred vowels and then crashed. I have no memory of what happened after that; I just woke up in another room with some teeth and possibly a kidney missing.
3. Wendy's scores another point here for the invention of the Frosty. That mofo is a great thing to have around when your mouth is too sore to open.
4. That applesauce has been sitting in the cupboard since 1994, but you'll be desperate enough to think about eating it. Don't.

I'm sure I'm missing a few tips, but the important stuff to remember is: love Wendy's, watch a lot of TV, and completely take advantage of the parents and their kindness for as long as possible. Good luck, little brother!

I don't really care how points are tallied or any of that nonsense. I just have mad Google skillz that are waiting to be flaunted in a board game setting. Internet, get on this, please.

• jet packs
• explosions
• dragons
• pirates
• ninjas
• laser guns
• lightsabers
• musical numbers (particularly epic soundtracks)
• walking sticks
• cartoon sound effects
• superpowers
• balrogs in a zoo
• treehouses
• teleporters
• tree villages
• invisibility cloaks
• giant statues
• animatronics (particularly dancing skeletons)
• cape swooshes

Have anything to add to the list? We're just getting started.

I noticed you.

I heard you as you walked into the bathroom, shouting into your cell phone, "God, I need some pot!" I waited for you as dozens of other women entered the restroom after you and exited before you. I watched in confusion when you finally emerged thirty minutes later with a woman who must have been twice your age, calling out to her, "I love you, babe!" (She was wearing a dirty baseball cap and rumpled clothes; she appeared to spend her free time rolling in automotive fluids and cigarette butts. She loves you, too.) I flashed you a sad smile when I saw you being escorted by a campus security guard later in the day.

I noticed you, but I think I should have hugged you instead.

• Amazing things you wouldn't even know
• Don't be sippin' on that haterade
• Elijah Wood
• Elijah Wood 2008
• Elijah Wood October 2008
• Fancy way of saying computer nerd
• How do you get to the levels in DK64
• I love teh interwebz
• James Bond is hot
• Pirate sock monkeys
• Squirrel power
• Sternutation
• True life video my dad is a Star Wars nerd

On the other hand, I am rather disturbed that people were 1) searching for these things and 2) finding them on my site:

• College student too lazy to work out
• I hate Hemingway
• My brother wears my skirts
• Nicknames for pimps
• Plan to keep America illiterate

Oh, internet. If we were friends on Facebook, our relationship would be complicated.

--
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail!

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Be who you wanna be barbie girl :D I'm dumb and I'm proud of it. :P

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I AM THE KING OF PANCAKES... BEHOLD MY AWSOME PANCAKE POWER...............:D now u DeSeRvE PePpEr SpRaY In..... THE EYE ....its good for u..^^ not reaLLY

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Remember Shelia Rocks! <3

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-kATHLEEN zHANG

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The Dongster ROX and you know it!!!!

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RANDA'S AWSOME LIKE THAT

Oh, to be yOuNg AgAiN.

P.S. According to Google Maps, the Lonely Mountain is located somewhere in Idaho. I think Tolkien just rolled over in his grave . . . laughing. Like Idaho is really Middle Earth. Pfft!

P.P.S. To the three people who visited Rachelskirts.com from Idaho in the past month, I apologize. I promise to buy you a cupcake next time you're in Chicago. Just as long as you promise not to smash it in my face when I start laughing about that Lonely Mountain thing again.

Proof that my professor rocks:

• "He was so thin, his pajamas only had one stripe."
• "If you haven't already learned this, you should know that you put chocolate syrup on any flavor ice cream."
• "My wife makes this amazing cream of spinach soup every year at Thanksgiving. It's like an angel peed on your tongue."

Proof that my classmates deserve to fail:

• "Did you do the homework?"
  "Dude, I sneezed in the library, and I split my lip!"
  "Whoa!"
• "So how are you doing in the class?"
  "I think I'm failing. He takes off all these points on the quizzes for stupid stuff. It makes me so salty, ya know? Man, I'm just so salty."

Most importantly, the professor makes that awesome I just knocked back a really strong alcoholic beverage face every time he takes a sip of Dr. Pepper, which never fails to be amusing. Man, college is a blast sometimes.

P.S. I have no clue what "I'm so salty!" means, but the kid kept saying it like he meant to say, "I'm so furious!" You kids and your slang.

In related news, Grannyskirts is apparently incapable of pulling all-nighters anymore. Getting old is lame.