I'd like to make it a rule, in the most friendly way possible. I just don't want to talk on the phone. At all. To anyone. Why? I'll explain at the end, if you're curious. First, let's cover some basic exceptions to the rule. Finally, I'd like suggestions from you for how I can broadly communicate this rule in a friendly way.

Exceptions to this rule (when it's okay to call)

• When I'm expecting your call. If I set aside the time, make sure I'm not in the middle of something, then a phone call is fine. This is where the phone calls to/from family members for birthdays/holidays falls, or a nightly phone call from a significant other, or anything like that. I make sure I'm somewhere quiet, set aside time and mental energy to devote all my attention to this call, and set myself up somewhere private to take the call.
  
• When we're meeting up. This is also a call I'm expecting, but it's quick calls like, "I'm on my way, leaving my house now," or, "I'm downstairs, see you in a few minutes." It would take longer to text me, and I certainly don't want you texting me while driving.
  
• When we're exchanging real-time information. An emergency, an urgent situation, or even something that's not urgent but just makes more sense to deal with in real time. If someone suddenly finds themselves standing on a street corner trying to find a place, I can give real time directions more efficiently than having the person look them up.
  

These are really the only situations I can think of where a phone call makes more sense than a text, an email, or an IM conversation. If I'm not expecting your call, we're not meeting up in the next few minutes, or it's not urgent, I won't call you, and I don't want you to call me.

Here's why I don't like phone calls

• The first exception, above, touches on the circumstance I feel I need in order to have a successful phone conversation. I need it to be quiet. I live in the city. It's loud, there's traffic and people around me all the time. Even without those issues, I find I can't hear phone conversations very well, at all. I'm always asking the other person to repeat themselves, things cut in and out, and I don't know if it's my phone, my network, or my ears, but it's not fun.
  
• I need to be in a private place. I don't want people hearing my phone call. I'm not going to talk on the phone at work and have co-workers listening in on my conversation. I don't want to be that person on the bus who everyone wants to strangle. I don't spend a lot of waking hours at home, honestly. I go to work all day, I often go out at night, I like to go out to eat a lot, I travel. I can easily fire off a text message during all these situations. Phone conversations, not so much.
  
• I need to be able to devote my time and attention. I'm often doing things. At home, I'm either working on a personal project, doing chores, or relaxing with music, a book, surfing the web, or watching TV. I find it easy to intermingle many of these things with IM and text conversations, but a phone conversation requires me to do only that one thing, talk on the phone, and nothing else. I'm rarely at home, so I don't like an unplanned thing taking up the little time I have to do chores, work on side projects, or relax. (If I'm planning on making/taking a phone call, then that's fine, I will have agreed to use my time in that way.)
  
• Details are often much clearer to me when I can see them. There are labels for the way people think and learn, and I don't know which one applies to me, but I can understand and retain words I read much more easily than words I hear. I can express myself in writing much more easily than I can find the words in speech. Text is much more concrete, in my mind, while verbal conversation is very abstract and more difficult for me to grasp.
  
  

Now what can I do about it?

How can I communicate to people who want to call me that I would much prefer a written form of communication?

• Can I communicate it in my voice mail message? Help me think of something succinct, friendly, and clear, that explains to people that they've just accessed the means of communication that I am the least likely to reciprocate. Something like Hi, this is Sarah. If you'd like to leave a message, please send an email, an IM, or a text message. I would love to hear from you, but not over the phone, please. This sounds a bit harsh, I don't want to be that much of a bitch about it.
  
• Can I completely disable the voice capabilities of my phone? Or get a device that doesn't have a phone (but does have text, IM, email?) Does such a thing exist? Can I get a data only plan from my wireless provider? What about the exceptions to the rule, when a phone call does make sense?
  

Please let me know if you have any other ideas. I know I'm unconventional, but this is the life I live, and it works for me. I feel pretty strongly about all this.