I am two-faced, or perhaps it's better to say of two minds. I'm in the midst of philosophical battle within myself. I have both a self confidence rooted in my ego and a desire to destroy that ego. Self-importance, sincere feelings of greatness, the sense that I am better than the average; these things drive me foward in my artistic endeavours. They in fact seem necessary to achieve that which I feel i deserve. The fact that I feel I deserve anything is evidence of this large ego in need of constant feeding. I crave recognition and compliment. I want validation. However, I'm aware that I need neither recognition nor validation from others. I have confidence that my artistic decisions are correct in my artistic philosophy. In other words, I can feed my own ego.

With that stated, I also have a profound urge to destroy the ego that drives me forward, to become self-less. In the absence of ego one needs nothing. No validation is then neccessary from myself or from others. I would create from an organic place, a sound rooted in innocence, if you will. Sound for the sake of sound and it's beauty or dissonance as simple purity of creation. In a way, purposeless in the sense I am not of a mind to influence anyone or anything, but simultaneously the purposeless-ness becomes the purpose. The reason for creation is creation. A beautiful idea I think.

Here-in lies the problem. Why I think it is quite beautiful to find that innocence in sound, I also have a desire to impact the culture in which I'm sorrounded. I don't approve of most music and the reasons and methods in which it is created. I want to stand as a pillar to my own philosophy of sound. Something solid in the boneless mass of noise that is popular music. And there it is, that sense of self-importance in obvious conflict with the idea of innocence in sound. The desire to aspire to greatness and inspire change is not that of an innocent mind. It comes from a jaded soul and mind responding to anger and disappointment in the actions of others. If I could destroy my ego, perhaps I could then actually inspire a change through my self-less appreciation of what God has gifted to humanity in melody, harmony, and rhythm. Again, the alterior motive is a betrayal to the root of the concept. It is quite a predicament.

The two minds in conflict slow the advancement of creation. I need reason to create. I need either absolute purpose or the absence of purpose to make something of useful substance. In the end, a great artist must base his or her art on a solid idea. Though his or her ideas may change over time, each period must be based in love and respect for the philosophy in art and life that drives them to create. Dual-ism such as this is weakness and unmistakingly human. I suppose that provides at least a comfort that my struggles come from an organic place. But I have no time for hypocrisy. I must soon decide to give in to one mind or the other and endeavour to follow that mind as honestly and faithfully as possible in my human weakness.