I am very sore and tired after a very long day. Its a strange day for me, I'm sad that my daughter and grandson are gone but anxious to see what the future holds. My son-in-law is in tech school at SAFB, Wichita Falls Tx. My daughter and grand-son were staying with us until they were able to get a place to live there. His school is quite long so they will able to stay with him while in training. I'm so accustomed to my other grand-son Elijah being around and have thoroughly enjoyed being a Papa. I won't get the same experience with Caydance, and I probably won't see him again for 3 wks, yuck. He is such an awesome little guy, I love his personality. I gave him his last bath here at this house this morning. I'm trying to find some way that I can get them either a mac mini or an IMAC to take with them when they leave for their first duty assignment. So we can either ichat or skype them anytime we want. But the money situation is pretty tight, they still don't have a car which really bothers me, so we'll have to see. At least we still have Elijah and our grand-daughter, Makynlee around to spoil. Its so strange holding her, Katrina was somewhat like her at that age, so small, kinda fragile in a way.

She's getting to know her dad which is great for her, but I grieve for Elijah, he's never met his dad. He told us the other day that Jay was Makynlee's daddy, all I could think was, "But what about Elijah? What does he think about when he doesn't have someone to call his Daddy? What's his mom gonna do when he asks about HIS daddy? Does he feel left out in some way? The strain of having 2 new babies around has definitely impacted him, so I treat him with kid gloves at times, but still try to be firm when its needed. This is terrible for me, all I want to do is just wrap him up and hug him constantly. I ache so badly inside for him. Rejection can form in our lives at any age, and can shape who we ultimately become as adults.

We as adults make mistakes and along the journey of our lives and if we have children, they feel and endure the burden of those mistakes. I don't mean to come across all high and mighty. Lord knows, I made so many stupid, terrible decisions that directly impacted my children's lives, even to this day. But sometimes I wonder if his Mom really takes his feelings in to account before she leaps? Is she so self-centered that she can't see that her little boy desperately needs the same kind of love and attention his sister is getting? I know its none of my business, my job is to love all of my kids and my grand-kids, and be Dad when I'm needed and be "Papa" all the other times, but still worry every time they walk out my door. I worry did I teach them enough? Did I love them enough? Did I prepare them for all the traps that lay ahead?

Now, all my kids are gone, and tomorrow Tammy and I officially start a new chapter in our lives. We start moving onto our new
place. Thats where this gets wierd for us. In our 23 yrs together, we've never been without a child. I met her and Joe my oldest son, when he was 4 months old. We've never had time alone together. Every decision we made along the way, was made in some way either for or because of our children. So we have a blank slate, so here's to blanks slates....

To be contnued