The Major

A door opens...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:25:30 -0700

Felicitations! How jolly nice to meet you!!

St George's Day Commemorative Snap

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:49:23 -0700

To mark St George's Day, I have uploaded for your pleasure a fine example of English manhood. Pray observe, for he is about to leave the hallowed pavilion and partake in our national game - Cricket! Yes dear reader, I cannot deny it, for it is true. We Englishmen are still as seductive and attractive as this. Take Errol Flynn for example (...'er, dash it, He was Australian). Is it no wonder the British Empire spanned the world?! Come to think about it, perhaps it is...

Room with a view

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:46:04 -0700

This is the delightful bijou home I have had built for the dear memsahib. Workmen will be removing the remaining walkways next week.

Archibald

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:41:49 -0700

This is Archibald, my pet albino squirrel. I found him a few years back. He has been rather quiet lately. Perhaps it was something I said...

Beware!!!

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:36:46 -0700

Yes I jolly well do! So there!!

Painting myself into a corner

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 19:22:43 -0700

I have been absent rather a lot lately. Somewhat unsociable of me considering that this is a respected outpost of internet society. But I had my reasons. No, really! Read on and do try your very best to sympathise... I am not good at time management. I mean well but I just can't come up with convincing estimates of 'time needed to do essential jobs'. Frankly my guesstimates are wildly optimistic. Wildly. By and large this is of little consequence. Taking an hour to do a small job that I THOUGHT would be done and dusted in 30 minutes is hardly of consequence. However, multiply this mistake up to the nth degree and things get a tad out of hand. Redecorating the entire house from top to bottom was one such mistake. Not only did I woefully underestimate the time it would take, I also forget to add in extra hours - nay, days! - for missing plasterers and errant paint pots. I revelled in the ease with which I could see myself painting an entire room in 20 minutes. This was a foolish foray into paint pornography. For goodness sake, even cleaning my paint tray took me 20 minutes. Did I mention my decision to strip off every last shred of wallpaper within my abode? Believe me I have counted every layer. From the shockingly floral to the painted vinyl...all the way back to 1934 when it all started. Good God, how the previous owners loved their wallpaper! So I am now the proud owner of absolutely no automobiles but two strippers. And neither of them are even vaguely erotic. Considering this brave misadventure all started in January - after an altercation with my fairy lights - it has been a long slog. However, the end is in sight. Did they not say of the First World War that it would all be over by Christmas? It wasn't. This will be. I hope...

The perils of computer illiteracy

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:01:28 -0700

Sorry chaps but I need to blog news of my personal inadequacy. Apologies to all for tardiness in replying of late but things have been rather hectic back at Major Manor and I have scarce had time to tinker with the internet. My confusion is such that I have inadvertently clicked the 'reject all' button on the friendship requests that have built up in my absence, doubtless condemning many decent chaps and chapesses to my personal perfidious pit of infamy. This is most unfortunate, as I have discovered that I cannot undo what has been done nor identify those I have done it to! Quite. Please feel free to apply again old things so that I can accept and reject you in a more pleasant and gentlemanly manner. I was however a tad perturbed that some Virb hiphopperers thought I might be the type of cove worthy of approaching and welcoming to the brethren. It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment chaps but decent fellah though I am, I ought to inform you that my blimpishness is not supposed to be ironically post modern nor is it a totally comedic confection. Horrifying though it may seem, what you see is indeed rather close to what you get. Be afraid for I have been known to growl at graffiti, scowl at skateboards and bristle at the baseball cap! Needless to say my thoughts on 'rap' are barely printable...

Friendship and the necromancy of networking

Fri, 11 May 2007 06:07:06 -0700

As a comparitive newcomer in the field of online communication I find myself somewhat bemused by the concept of 'networking'. I am quite familiar with the term 'network of spies' but as there are very few men in dark glasses and homburg hats in evidence nowadays, I assume that an interest in invisible ink is not essential. However, to my surprise it would appear that simply by joining Virb, I am indeed part of a network. It seems to be something can be done to you or that one can indeed do to others but sadly I don't think I'm terribly good at it. Frankly it all boils down to the concept of 'friends' and what this means in the electronic world. I rather like the definition that a friend is a man who knows all about you and yet still likes you, and here on Virb there is of course an element of disclosure. People can reveal as much or as little about themselves as they choose, be it their taste in music, literature, art etc and if one is lucky, a glimmer of personality will shine through their words and pictures. For my own part I like to think that people would be horrified to see how similar I am in the flesh. I find myself inevitably drawn towards wit and creativity. I like to think that in choosing me my dear wife felt the same but it was probably a morbid interest in the eccentric... My own selction of friends is admittedly somewhat small - perhaps this is due to my inability to 'play the game' but nevertheless they are exclusive by default. My problem is an ability to 'befriend' those who are incapable of responding to or making comments of their own. A request for friendship from someone who has said/commented nothing about you is most curious. One almost feels distraught at their lack of selectivity. If non-communication was an essential element in the process one might as well befriend the nearest lampost. Indeed, I have had a close personal relationship with a local hedge for many years now. Perhaps one could enliven the process by having an Enemies list? Better still, a league table so that one could suffer demotion from 'Stalwart Chum' to 'Loathsome Blaggard'! To my great surprise I rather like this truncated quotation from Virgina Woolf... 'I have lost good friends, some by death...others by the sheer inability to cross the street'. Quite.

Quill desperandum!

Thu, 10 May 2007 03:42:36 -0700

These are indeed difficult times! A while ago I weaned myself away from my fine fountain pen and beauteous bottled ink and turned to that modern Mata Hari, the electronic computing device. Having realised that such devices come neither leather-bound nor tooled in gold leaf I decided to follow Adam's example and take a bite from an Apple. Truth to tell it served me well for some years but recently it started stuttering and stumbling and I was forced to take it to the local computer Workhouse. After a week it saw the error of it's ways and rejoined the fold in considerably better health than before. It's disappearance from The Major's household had caused considerable uproar. I am not a drinking man - unless you count endless gallons of tea - but had I counted that amongst my vices, a stroll into a Gin Palace might have been some recompense for my suffering. This Victorian magic lantern slide illustrates my state of mind upon rejoining the internet and receiving a deluge of 400 or so emails. Had I been letterbox been swamped by 400 ink penned letters I would have suspected a foolish prank and my postman would now be recovering from a hernia. Perhaps I don't really need all this information? Perhaps a return to the days of the horse-backed courier would make irregular contact all the more welcome whilst also providing ample supplies of manure for the Nation's gardens? At the very least people could try to soften the bitter pill of communication overload by added a modicum of wit to their prattlings. In 1843 following a considerable tussle, General Sir Charles Napier quelled an uprising in, and captured the (then) Indian province of Sind. Using a telegram he rattled off a message to the well educated, latin speaking chaps at the Foreign Office in London which consisted of a single word - 'Peccavi!' Which translates as 'I have Sind!'. May the Father forgive him...