I was still playing with action figures at age 12. Whether this handicap was to blame for girls not liking me or I played with toys because girls didn't pay attention to me, the fact remains that I was still the only fifth grader decorating his bedroom with rubber wrestling figures. There was one woman, however, who loved me in spite of this shortcoming. Mom, also known as Ellynn, endorsed my slow development by purchasing a new action figure every week to keep me happy. Until one day... Ellynn became more bad-ass than Randy Savage when she violently attacked a man at Toys "R" Us.

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