Culture Shock

I'm taking a class on creole religions this semester.  We have been watching videos.  If you're not familiar with Santeria and Vodou, which most people aren't, animal sacrifice is in fact involved.  One of the themes of the class is how these religions are secretive because of hundreds of years of oppression and misunderstanding, and thus are still unknown and misunderstood in general judeo-christian American culture.  All the same, the religions are fascinating, especially because of their history of oral, social, and ritual means of passing on knowledge as opposed to written or doctrinal.  However, while watching films, I am completely shocked by the sacrifices.  In one movie, they're baptising/initiating a man to become a priest.  They literally rub a bleeding, still twitching pidgeon on his head.  They take a goat, grab him by the legs and head, and stick a knife into its neck and hold it inverted to bleed it out.  This is just not something I am used to seeing.  Perhaps if I killed my own dinner instead of buying from the store, but to just see a knife through the neck of a goat.  Wow.  I think how vastly different these religions are from Buddhism.  It's not that they don't respect life, it's that life means power, and it's a great blessing to have its life-force given to honor the saints.  It also makes me think about Old Testament Judaism, where ram sacrifice was probably a lot like that.  It's weird to think of that as being the same (more or less) religion that I believe today.  Also, I nearly threw up with the pigeon blood.  Pigeons are just so gross to me and I associate them with diseases.  To have someone squeeze bird blood on my head is just too much. It gives me the jibblies.

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Oh No.

I stumbled across a Facebook app that makes venn diagrams from your friend groups.  One these is a "boyfriend finder" which finds single males between 19 and 29.  Oh my.  That is a sad list.  Of 26 guys, two are gay and one is asexual.  Of 23 guys, 3 are ones that are too goofy to date.  Down to 20.  2 are former hookups which would not be pretty, 2 are not my type, and 2 are stricktly platonic brother types.  14.  2 of those left creep me out when I think of them in a relationship (not including the goofy or hookup ones already crossed out that also creep me out).  The final 12 leave me with A dude from high school that I haven't seen since, A friend's ex-boyfriend that I haven't seen since they broke up, A guy I met at a one-week conference, A guy I know through an internet forum, A pretty-boy player who sleeps around with girls hotter than me, a straight edger who has zero interest in me, two guys in north carolina on a relatively bland life path, and three guys that I might actually consider.  Of them, only one who might consider me back.  Basically, I need to meet new single guys, or start hitting on that one.  Or wear down one of the other two despite his previously expressed lack of interest.

Or meet new single guys.

Can you tell I have a paper due today by the way I'm spending far too much time playing on the internet?

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and the next day...

...the bruises come!

Yep, the mosh pit aftermath.

But I love being a girl at punk shows because you get the best of both worlds.  On one hand, you can jump right in and flail around with the guys.  On the other hand, they take it easy on you, because you're a girl.  If you don't want to be jostled you can just put up your hands, and usually they leave you alone.  In fact, most of the time when I go to be a bouncer for my other girl friends at shows, I almost always get relieved of the position by a guy saying "don't worry, I got it for you," as he stands his body in front of me.  Who says chivalry is dead?  I love it.  I love the excitement and energy, everyone dancing and sweating and not giving a damn.  Everyone throwing themselves around and knocking you over.  But then when they knock you over they pick you up (at least at good shows they do).  It's as close to fight club as I would want to get, but who doesn't wanna throw an elbow now and then?  There's something fabulous about getting bruised and not giving a damn, and seeing how much you can take.  It's thrilling.  Clearly I need to go to more rowdy shows since I miss them and love them, but last night's show was so good I don't think I'll find another as fun anytime soon.

School work?  Still not made much headway, but that's what Sundays are for, right?

-N

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Hello!

I've been MIA for several months.  I mostly use this for cathartic posts, and, well, here I am again!

I'm still alive!

I just went to a really great ska/punk show.  There was a mosh pit that made me feel like I was 17 again.  I was also at the front of the stage which was particularly fun, especially when the lead singer of the headlining band dropped his mic and I picked it up and he was so grateful he picked me up and pounced me.  Haha, it was more action than I'd seen in years.

I am really stressed about school.  I did well enough last semester, but I have a couple of assignments extended that I'm supposed to finish in order to pass and I haven't done them yet.  I got really stressed out about this, and my attendance for this semester and how I'm already falling behind in reading, that I called my best friend (who lives about 3 hours away) to see if she'd come and "babysit" me, i.e. make me do the things I know I have to do but can't make myself do on my own.  She was all "oh right away I'll come and help!" until this afternoon when she was all "I don't want to come, it's too long a drive and I was just there, don't you have friends there?  doesn't your mum live closer than me?"  Well, yes my mum does, but she's not my best friend, and I can't tell her what I tell you, can I?  Anyway, I'm going a bit nutso from stress, but I've called a therapist and have an appt for next Wednesday, so that's at least a step in the right direction I've made for myself today.

Well, back to the show. Beside making me feel like I was 17 and giving me more action than I'd seen in years, it also reminded me of my last serious boyfriend, who was really into ska and is now married to someone else.  It's not a bad feeling, it's just nostalgic and a little lonely.  Anyway... I like that kind of show and I wish it would happen more.

I also wish I would get done all the things I need to do, and that God would go ahead and send me my soulmate already.

I solemnly swear I'll try and update my journal more often.

-N

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crazy for feeling so lonely

Both last night and tonight I bawled.
I hate crying in public.  I hate crying.  I don't like feeling vulnerable and I don't like feeling like I'm bringing people down.
But I can't pretend that nothing's wrong, and I can't hide it when things keep hitting me in the gut.

I felt so lonely, I starting hitting on a friend, and he kind of made it clear that 1) he was not interested in me and 2) if he were interested in anyone it would be another girl there and NOT me.
I know it wasn't his fault but it just kind of tipped me over.
Before that, though, there were two sisters there, talking about big sister/little sister things, and that's really what got to me.  I remember the things Jess would do to me, and the things that a little sister does back that I did to her.  I can't stand it!

as I said on decap:
I had another fantasy, that she got recruited by the CIA and it's all to cover up her new identity as an international spy. I got so mad that she would lie to me like that. I don't care about the fucking USA, you don't pretend you're dead to your sister.

I would 100 times over wish she were lying to me than really truly gone forever.

I know it's completely silly, but I keep thinking of the Twilight series, and how Bella feels when Edward leaves her in New Moon, and how she feels when he comes back that she's never going to let him go and it hurts when he leaves the room.

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Oh my my. Oh my my.

Today I had the most wonderful and most horrible day.

This day was so full of ups and so stricken with downs that I can only feel unbelievably alive as the end result.

I don't even know if I can do just a + and -, I think I'll need some / and * just to make my list of how this day has been.

-9 AM class
+Made it on time to walk to 9 AM class with friend Jessica
/Talked to professor after class about anxiety issues (good because it took a lot of guts, bad because he gave me a funny look and it was extremely difficult and AWKWARD conversation)
+Had long phone conversation with mom and read a chapter of Eclipse
+Had lunch with my cousin and met my cousin's best friend
/Blocked my friends' driveway, but maybe helped them find a plumber to fix their water heater\
+First Week of Class is OVER!
/-I'm so Stinking stressed and scared about classes and this semester and
--I can't fail I can't fail I can't fail
+Played Rockband, got a high score
*Cleaned House!
/Hid rockband and the fact that I bought a large screen tv from my parents, because I don't think they'd approve of the purchases
+Parents came to visit
-Parents make me think of my sister and I cried
+Parents brought me a new dresser and garment rack and food!
--Parents left and I cried
+Parents dropped me off at my favorite bar
/Took my sister's old mug to favorite bar (regulars get mugs, and discounts on drinks, but I didn't earn it)
*Lots of dear friends at the bar!  People from out of town and people I haven't seen in a while are there!!
+Kat and I make plans not only for a mini party but also a Frolf Friday!
---The bar says the mug isn't mine and only the person whose name it's in can use it
----I CRY
/ My friend explains for me how my sister is Dead and left me the mug.
+They give me a margarita on the house
++My bill comes, and they actually gave me TWO margaritas on the house.
/Am quite a bit drunk, which is good because it makes me forget that I'm fucking grieving
+++My friends are so nice and they hold me up when I'm falling apart at the seams, and the waitress even checks on me when I'm in the bathroom and I need someone to please please check on me.
+Matt, my bro, is there to hug me, and Steve is there to give me a ride home.
*Except we don't go home, we go to my friends' house where they're hanging out and playing rockband!!
+I rock a couple songs, including drumming and singing at the same time!
+At least 7 of my favorite people on the planet are there!
/Mike A lets me bum a cigarette, which is totally bad for me, but nice of him
+Tiff lets me borrow Eclipse so I can finish it before school work ties me down
+Steve promises to take me to the farmers market tomorrow, and gives me a ride home
-I have a blister from walking all week in the rainy nasty weather
**I made it through my first week of school in 2.5 years, despite the fact that my bike was stolen the first day of class and I had to change courses twice and I'm worn out and terrified and excited and so sad and really proud of myself.

I think I'm going to explode now.

Love,
Nora

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Dear Jess,

You would have liked the movie "Wedding Daze."
Despite the lame title and Jason Biggs as the lead, it would have made you laugh and you would have thought it was cute. And you would have liked the end credits song. I am a little sad I didn't get to tell you this.

I am more than a little sad that no one will get "Well I love you too, so there." and "That felt good!" and "You're nothin' but a nasty dog with a raunchy booty." and "could have been a bagel, muffin man." and "Feels, feels!"
Hopefully someday I will find someone else who will get my Ren & Stimpy, Aeon Flux, and Animaniacs references since they're not just you and me, but I'll still think of you a lot whenever I play Monotony or Purecheesey.

I wish you could be around to keep cheering me on as I finish school and be there at my graduation, and go with me like we planned to Europe, and been my maid of honor someday. And I wish you could have had the long and happy life with Cody and had kids so I could be an auntie, and helped to take care of our parents in their old age. You know you were the lawyer and the one supposed to make the money to support them. I'm not even graduated yet! but I'll probably end up pretty poor, so I hope you have a backup plan. I wish I knew it.

That's all I can say for now.

I love you a whole lot. Too much.
Love, Nora

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Moonbounces, web forums, cookies, smelly shows with punk kids... being a smelly punk kid

"You all don't see the humor in calling a song that obviously has a title 'untitled'?" -Tim {Vroom}

I just remembered this conversation. I'm having a "memoriiieeees" kind of hour. I'm sure it will pass. Just giving a shout out to the past.

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Selective Memory

We all do it.

I am "packing" right now, and I'm going through some old papers. It's supposed to be mostly school stuff, but I keep stumbling upon caches of bad poetry. (I call all my poetry bad, because it usually is.) Imagine my surprise when I come across evidence that while dating someone in 2002 I kissed another guy. I remember the incident perfectly well. I remember that HE was dating someone else, a friend of mine actually, in one of my classes. She and I actually continued to be acquaintances for several years so I'm pretty sure she didn't know about that night. Let's just say stopping at the kissing took a lot of willpower. Anyway, my point is, I didn't remember having a boyfriend at the time. Oops? Haha. Said boyfriend dumped me about a month later... I always was kind of mad at him for it, but maybe I was sending him vibes? If I kissed someone else I must not have been very serious.

This too could be revisionist. It's possible that I wasn't actually dating said guy at the time and just having intentions on dating him. I know with one relationship I planned to date the guy for 6 months and only dated him for two! This could be like that where I felt like I was cheating on him since I was getting him to ask me out, but since I found it with another poem indicating the season, I think it had to have been during.

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sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Two years ago, people in the medical profession told me I was likely bipolar.
Since then, other people in the medical and mental health profession have told me I'm likely not.

On most days, I feel perfectly normal. At least, most days in the past 6 months.

Today and yesterday, I have felt completely not-normal. I have felt crazy. I have been spacey and unreliable and not myself.

Maybe I am bipolar? Maybe my body/mind just hates the month of April, or April just hates me, because we seem to be having a track record here.
Maybe the end of April means so much in terms of deadlines and related stress that I don't even see what I'm reacting to. That's possible. I have developed some very unhealthy coping mechanisms to stress that mostly center on suppression and denial.

I really really really wish and pray that there would be advances in the mental health field, because it is not fair to not know or understand what the hell is going on in my head and with my mood. Is it a hormonal imbalance? brain chemicals? Is it because I went off my anti-depression meds? I'm not depressed anymore! Why should that make me manic? Am I having an allergic reaction? Will I ever be able to feel like myself or will I always think that myself is just a phase I hit right before I break down?

Yep.
I'm definitely having an Almond Joy day.

If you're the praying type, I could use it.

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whelmed!

I just merged all my @virginia mail into my @gmail account. It's craaazy times! I might actually be using a percentage point of my allotted gmail space! I always thought that if ever there were a things as too much email, my pep band emails were it, and if ever a email server could hold unlimited crap it would be gmail, so it just made sense to put them together, especially when people would mail me to either address at random. I only got my gmail address because I thought that UVA would be deleting my virginia one soon, but they told me they have no intention of doing that anytime soon, and now I'm going back to school again I'll have no real use for my gmail address and it's so useful. Anyway, my point is, I have a lot of emails crapping up all over the place, including 2 that I had never seen before despite the fact people had told me they sent them and are now finally showing up. I also went from needing no filters to needing 10.

I wouldn't say I'm overwhelmed, but I'm definitely whelmed. At least in Europe I am.

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Scavhunt randomness

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breaking news: I like people.

Sometimes I go through phases where I talk and socialize a lot, talk on the internet and aim, call people, and even update my livejournal.

Sometimes, I do not.

Lately I've been having an on-again phase.
I just uploaded over 100 pictures on facebook, over the course of two days, and I'm thrilled by responses I get.
I mean, everyone likes seeing pictures of themselves and their friends, even when they complain that they don't look good in the pictures.  But I'm so glad that pictures I took years ago are bringing friends out of the woodwork to spark conversations with me.  I've been talking about old haircuts and clothing, old traditions, weddings, babies, upcoming events, old memories, and so many times I've said I didn't even remember what year these things occurred.  I feel like I've been sleeping since 2006 and I just woke up.  I really missed socializing.
This is making me wish that I would take more pictures.  I always sort of felt that I'd rather be living in the moment and enjoying it rather than trying to capture it to remember later... but there's plenty of occasions where the pictures capture moods even when nothing is happening in the photo.  Sure I can remember the things I do, but I don't always trigger the emotion of how I felt at the time, and you can't share a memory the way you can a picture. 

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weekend recap

Copied from AIM away message:

Hours this weekend I was away from home: 41
Of that I spent:
2 hours driving on the interstate
10 hours asleep
2 hours nervous/awkward
25.5 of the best hours of my life
1.5 of the worst hours of my life

4 trips to 3 grocery stores
3 trips to 1 liquor store and one trip to a closed liquor store
2 trips to the same bar for two nights in a row with the same waitress (Meredith)
Baked 1 pie.  Ate 5 different kinds of pie.
Played one horrible game of beer pong.
Played one fabulous game of Jackpot (frisbee)
Wrestled 1 person twice and did not lose a tooth.
Spent approximately $650 on alcohol (not all for me I swear).
Spent $60 on a shirt that I may never wear again.
Signed a lease and spent $157.50 on deposit.
Went to a party of only "peers" where the difference in age between the oldest and youngest person was 27 years.

I'm really tired.

(Edit: I actually made 5 trips to 3 grocery stores.  And I saw 3 sugargliders, 7 dogs, 1 hamster and 1 bunny, and held 1 Sugarglider named Raspberry, 1 puppy named Spencer, and 1 hamster named Wendy even though he's a boy)

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ups and downs and loop-de-loops!

By the way I'm going BACK TO SCHOOL!

So.
Last week I found a place to live!
Yesterday I filed my taxes and did 98% of my application for readmission.  Today I did my fafsa and contacted my counselor for a letter for my readmission app and my major advisor to talk about my course plan for my remaining semesters for my readmission app!

I feel so great getting stuff done, but at the same time there's SO MUCH to do.  Forms upon forms.  And now comes the harder part I feel, because the parts that are left are "I think you should readmit me because I'll be really awesome at school this time I swear.  I can totally finish in the next two semesters.  And watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Please readmit me and give me lots of financial aid even though I've been a really crappy student and barely have enough credit hours to be called a 4th year, in fact I don't, that's why I'm taking summer classes."

At the same time I can barely stand work, but I'm going to be there for another 2 and a half months!  I thought I would be gone by now!  Roar!  But since I don't have a place to live in Charlottesville til June 1st, it seems DUMB to move there before then.  I'll just have to move it again on the 1st.  And my mind is constantly filled with school.  I want to buy notebooks and pens and things, but I haven't even gone through all my old stuff that I have in PILES and BOXES to see what I need!  I'm not readmitted yet!  But all these forms are due in March, and I have to finish them soon and so it gets me thinking all the time, which gets me thinking what furniture and dishes I'm taking which is completely besides the point.

I could go on forever, but basically it's a big roller coaster ride that is making me do the sorts of things that I hate to do like asking people to schedule appointments with me, make exceptions for me, and basically HELP ME!  I mean, these people are advisors, deans, counselors, and that is what they are THERE for, but it makes me feel so awkward.  I'm also very excited though.

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life: be in it.

I was watching a tv special about Saturday Night Live, and someone said this factoid which caught my attention:

On John Belushi's 30th birthday, he had the #1 album (Blues Brothers), the #1 movie (Animal House), and the #1 late night TV show (SNL) in the country.

Cah-razy.


That's really all I have to write about.  I hate my job, but haven't left it.  I haven't done or seen anything new.  Days and weeks have been moving by at a rapid pace and still not much has changed.  I'm reading a Vonnegut book.  I have Netflix.  That's pretty much what I've been doing with my spare time when not at work.  Oh, I am crafting a bit too.  I'm working on making a rosary.  It's sort of my first metalwork bead project.  I really like the way it's turning out so far.

My sister is getting married soon.  I have a dress that doesn't fit me that has to fit me in two months.  Outlook: Not so good.

Le sigh.

some yay news, I found out a friend just got engaged.  Go Gordon!

(I'm still single.  Very very single. Anybody wanna go out?)

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fluke, subtle jab from the powers that be, or sign of DOOM?

I got a fortune cookie yesterday without a fortune in it.
I cannot lie, it bothered me.

 Cat and Girl has a fortune-cookie-related message of doom as well.


Also, yesterday, as I was staying up way too late, I saw the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson, who is by far the funniest late night host I find, and whose musical guest was Hanson.  I was completely caught off guard, because I hadn't realized Zac Hanson not only was done with puberty, but was stinkin' HOTT.  Further, that they are even more musically talented then they previously were when they were 12 and that they are now "Indie."  This is Not Fair.  Crushes on Hanson were supposed to end when I was 14.  Besides, they're all married.  Taylor Hanson in this video is really trying hard not to look like a girl anymore and instead is looking a bit like Orlando Bloom trying not to look like a girl.

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it was late in the evening, and all the music seeping through...

So, it's been over a month since my last update.  In the meantime, I've gotten promoted, seen They Might Be Giants in concert, gone to the beach, fried funnel cakes at an air force base for my soon to be brother in law, and turned 24.

Those were all things that would have made good and/or exciting updates.  Alas, I write when I've exhausted all my other means of entertainment.  Thus why tonight is the night I update.

Today wasn't the best of days.  My parents left town, and I didn't realize how much lately I'd been relying on them for my social interactions.  It made me feel kinda lonely.  I joke/fantasize about becoming a hermit, but that's mostly because I don't want to have to contribute to society, and not because I don't like interacting with people.  To be honest, I'm quite a social butterfly when given the chance.  I think I've got pretty gosh darn good people skillz [Except for the fact that sometimes, I'm too blunt (i.e. I should just keep my mouth shut)].  Anyway, that whole hermit thing just wouldn't work because I was just kind of bummed all day.  I didn't even leave the house to go to my cousin's graduation party like I said I would.  That would have meant driving an hour away and I wasn't in the mood to impose myself on her high school friends, none of whom I know, or hang out with my Aunt most of the time.  Which actually, my aunt is really cool, and I don't hang out with her enough, and I'm sure she would have appreciated company that was over 20, but again, alas.  I can't undo it.

Hormonal imbalance is partly to blame, to be fair.  I know the "period rant" is something guys don't want to hear, and girls all have enough of their own, but really.  Everything sucks for a couple days out of every couple weeks.  It's like being able to predict when you're going to get caught in the pouring rain, and lose your wallet, and sprain your ankle, and get dumped, once a month for the prime of your life.  You're uncomfortable, inconvenienced, in pain, and just to kick a woman when she's down, let's add a nice heaping of out of whack hormones!  Thanks!

Back to the hermit thing:  Yes I've been fantasizing lately about being a hermit.  I have several running crazy schemes at any given time, and lately they've all been escapes.  I've thought of moving in with theRachel in Chicago, I've thought of moving in with my aforementioned Aunt when my cousin goes to college in the fall, I've thought of moving to Philly, Canada, Belize, and now American Samoa.  That's the latest one (Belize is the oldest).  Then I realized that the average air fare to fly my butt out to Pago Pago just about wipes out my bank account, which is larger than it's been since I graduated high school myself.  Someday...  someday I want to get out of this stupid place and live somewhere truly beautiful that hasn't yet been fucked up by humans entirely, and not have to feel like a waste of potential just because I don't have a career.  I don't have any career ambitions, because I don't LIKE this society.  I don't want to contribute to it! It sucks!  Meh, you could argue that where I am now is pretty beautiful at times (if all those people weren't always around). And what's to say I'd appreciate beauty any more anywhere else than I do now here? (if that sentence made sense).

I also have a whole lot of crap, if I wanted to up and move to Chicago (let alone Pago Pago) I would need to toss many many things I seem to be attached to.  Essentials only!  SEE! Another reason why our consumerism driven society sucks.  Actually, I think I would like to try and do a practice hermitage, and eschew materialism and toss or sell off all the junk I have cluttering.  I think I would feel much less contained.  I always find hotel rooms relaxing because of their cleanliness and minimalism.  Time to de-clutter to an extreme scale.  Let's see how far I get with that...

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beach and my luck with photos

I only took one photo at beach week (This isn't It by the way, mine is of Suzie) because I'm not much of a photo-taker.  I blamed this on my old camera, which was older and pixel-y, but I got a new camera for my birthday, so hopefully that will change in the future.

Not only am I not much for taking photos, I'm not much for being in them either.  Not that I mind posing for photos, I just rarely seem to come out well lately.  Thus, this is the only picture with me in it where I look really good, in my opinion.  This is Jessie, and we're just looking so cute.

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Foxfield follow-up

Well, the new shoes gave me blisters, but I won a bet on the third race, meaning I broke even for my total betting.

The weather was perfect!  Partly cloudy, not muddy.  Usually it rains, or is windy, or muddy, or everyone gets sunburnt.

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