Voltjan Stevens

I heard that motherfucker had... like, thirty goddamn dicks!

22 years old

Ithaca College

Male

About

Not much to see here. Just your run of the mill half-man/half-machine indie hipster supergenius superhero ninja rockstar velociraptor with a heart of gold, dual laser cannons, rocket boosters, and 16" spinnaz. In short, I'm as cool as a longcat is long, and you can take that to the bank, cash it in, put it in your pipe, and smoke it. I'm what you'd get if you put Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Samuel L. Jackson, and Christopher Walken in a blender, strained out the Intarweb, added pineapple chunks and a few cherries, and set on smoothie. 100% pure kickassohol in a frosty mug. Men want to be me, women want me, and vice versa. But like Highlander, there can only be one. And like your mom's fine china, I am look but no touch. But you better wear sunglasses. Because I can blind you. Or worse. I'm the nuclear Ark of the Covenant. And don't you forget it.

Who is this masked man, you might ask? Mike, 20, is a third year journalism student with a minor in politics. I'm a writer for a sketch comedy show, and a budding stand-up comic. I'm a blogger, check me and Chrissy out over on http://www.kittybutts.org. Don't part me from my various Nintendos, my musics, or my chocolate milk, and we should be okay. I live in a rinky-dink Pennsylvania suburban apartment with my mom and two cats when I'm not journalismin' at Ithaca College. I hope to be a news producer or someone who works behind the scenes, live in a big house with a big lawn and a fireplace and a garden and porch, an assortment of animals.

Then there's Chrissy. The most amazing girl in the universe. She's from Arizona, and makes me feel like I've never felt before. She makes me believe the stuff in the first paragraph is true, not to mention some more down-to-Earth things. I feel stronger because of her, and owe her so much. Thank you, Christine. We met over a year ago, and clicked instantaneously. We have everything in common, we pick each other up when the other falls down. We're here for each other, and I'm the happiest person in the world because of her. When we see each other, the only way to describe it is perfection. I love her. And I know she is the one. Also? Totally getting married.