Today is the beginning of November 2007, and it has occurred to me that the days are passing by me before I've even had a chance to grab on to them.

It all comes down to a lack of balance in my life. I've become so focused on what there is to look forward to and prepare for: my sister's wedding, student teaching, graduation, moving out on my own, getting a job, going to grad school eventually. And I have treated all of the days between now and each of these events as filler days in my life as it currently stands.

Lately I've been thinking about how different I was in high school. I've always believed that change is a necessity if we are to become better people, but there are many things I miss about who I used to be towards the end of my high school years. I was going through some very challenging times, but every time I overcame an obstacle, I would go on this high during which I would fall in love with each day. I would wake up excited to see what the day would bring into my life, whether it be as brief as a beautiful sunset or something that might change my life forever.

To quote Jean-Jacques Rousseau (I am currently reading his book Confessions), "I was enjoying that short but precious moment of life when its expansive fullness, so to speak, enlarges our being in all our sensations, and beautifies in our eyes the whole aspect of nature by the charm of our existence."

Still, this focus on the day to day had its toll. My schoolwork suffered tremendously, and I made a lot of stupid mistakes when it came to preparing for college and applying. I don't for a second deny how lucky I was to wind up at Hartt and have ended up happy here. I also neglected voice lessons when I should have been utilizing them to prepare for college.

But I was happy. Really, really happy. Almost every day.

Now it seems that my life has become the reverse. I am responsible, do well in school, and am amply prepared for the future in most ways (money being the only issue-but really, when isn't it?), but the days pass me by in a blur, and I rarely crack a genuine, uncontrollable smile, never mind a laugh.

It's not that I'm depressed or anything of that sort, but I do believe that I have become numb to the thousands of beautiful things I pass by each day. The worst part is that I know these things and moments and people exist, but still, they bring me very little genuinely felt joy.

I am in desperate need of balance.

How to achieve it, though?

The more I think about it, the more I start to understand what I've lost over the past 4-5 years.

I've lost self-esteem. I'm so self-conscious now, and it distracts me from seeing and appreciating all the things I used to love. Believe it or not, I used to be really outgoing, and I had a lot of friends. Now I get jealous of what other people have--how they dress, how they act, what they have, the music they listen to, the people they hang out with. It's so petty because I know that if I could walk a day in their shoes, I'd see that no one's life is as wonderful as it appears on the surface. Yet somehow, I've made myself believe that I am not worthy enough to be a part of other people's lives.

I need to let go of all this petty jealousy. I will never have what other people have, because I am not them.

I am Katherine Mary Zahara, and that is who I will always be, even after I die.
This is something I have to learn to understand and embrace.

I must stop spending my time thinking about what I'm not, and spend my time living as the person that I am. I've held myself back for too long now, and I think it's time to cut myself loose.

I've seen so many things in my life, but it is time for me to stop reflecting on those things and find and create new things that I can reflect upon later.

As Rousseau so eloquently said, "enough reflections for a traveler; it is time to continue my journey!"

"I think its time to repaint.
It's time to repaint myself.

Maybe blue or green
or something in between."
[empty bottle//ingrid michaelson]