kate.

mom and tom.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:28:06 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:28:03 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:28:01 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:27:58 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:27:54 -0700

the mozart requiem.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:27:51 -0700

hartt camerata, choir, chorale, and symphony orchestra. st. joseph's cathedral in hartford, ct.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:27:48 -0700

jen and chrissy.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:22:58 -0700

my two older sisters.

the ag.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:22:56 -0700

best diner. ever.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:22:48 -0700

DSCF3349

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:16:20 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:14:06 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:13:49 -0700

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:13:44 -0700

back in the mainland.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 00:39:47 -0800

Hello all, I'm back in Massachusetts after a lovely 2 weeks in Hawaii! My sister's wedding was superb, and even though I spent a lot of time helping her prepare, I had so much fun doing just that and the tourist-y things that I got to do as well. My favorite was snorkeling in Hanauma Bay, because I swam less than a foot away from two giant sea tutrles, and saw one of those crazy eels that hangs out in holes in rocks, as well and tons of other crazy fish. I also got lost in the reefs which was quite the adventure! There's no way I could write about all the cool stuff I saw/did, so if you want to know, let's go get dinner/drinks and I'll tell you more. :) Also, I will post a few pictures once my parents get back and I steal their photos. We had 4 cameras taking pictures between the whole fam, so I'd like to have all of them before I share them here or on facebook! How was everyone's xmas and new years? I hope they were all excellent. I love new years, it's a time of such promise. People feel so hopeful, and it probably sets a record high for people that are ready to let go of things from the past. Even if we do forget our resolutions or fail at them, that week or so of optimism is beautiful to me. 2008 is/has already been an excellent year. My sister Christina is now Mrs. Christina Noh, and will be starting a new life living in Hawaii in the summer, I will be starting my last semester of college in two weeks, student teaching the whole time, graduating in May, moving to CT, and if all goes well, getting a real person job as a teacher! So much to look forward to. I feel ready for all of it. Life has been at too much of a standstill, and now things will be changing and exciting. Difficult, no doubt, but different and challenging-two things I really love. In other news, Gene gave me his ukelele (a really nice one, too) that he barely used, so I'm excited to learn to play it. I really want to incorporate it into a lesson or two during my student teaching--kids would love it! I bought a book of 12 traditional Hawaiian songs, so hopefully I can learn at least one or two well and play & sing for the kids. Also, for xmas my sister got me the audiobook of Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris, and I snagged her audiobook of Holidays on Ice by him. He makes me want to write so badly. Twice today I was struck with some ideas and so I text messaged them to myself so that I wouldn't forget. :) I really love short stories because they are often unresolved. It's like seeing a picture. All you really see is that moment, and the closest you get to the characters is your perception of that one moment in time. Anything before or after is unknown to the observer and whether it is relevant or not, you don't know want to know anyway. So anyway. My mind is everywhere because I've been playing FFX for the past like 4 hours (see? i am asian) to keep myself from going to bed too early so I can readjust to east coast time, but now that it's 12:30 am here, I can't fall asleep!! I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, so I guess I should force myself to fall asleep. Wish me luck. :) And also, I'm home until the 20th or so....so if you are home, let's hang out! :)

I ain't wastin' no more time.

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:37:19 -0700

Today is the beginning of November 2007, and it has occurred to me that the days are passing by me before I've even had a chance to grab on to them. It all comes down to a lack of balance in my life. I've become so focused on what there is to look forward to and prepare for: my sister's wedding, student teaching, graduation, moving out on my own, getting a job, going to grad school eventually. And I have treated all of the days between now and each of these events as filler days in my life as it currently stands. Lately I've been thinking about how different I was in high school. I've always believed that change is a necessity if we are to become better people, but there are many things I miss about who I used to be towards the end of my high school years. I was going through some very challenging times, but every time I overcame an obstacle, I would go on this high during which I would fall in love with each day. I would wake up excited to see what the day would bring into my life, whether it be as brief as a beautiful sunset or something that might change my life forever. To quote Jean-Jacques Rousseau (I am currently reading his book Confessions), "I was enjoying that short but precious moment of life when its expansive fullness, so to speak, enlarges our being in all our sensations, and beautifies in our eyes the whole aspect of nature by the charm of our existence." Still, this focus on the day to day had its toll. My schoolwork suffered tremendously, and I made a lot of stupid mistakes when it came to preparing for college and applying. I don't for a second deny how lucky I was to wind up at Hartt and have ended up happy here. I also neglected voice lessons when I should have been utilizing them to prepare for college. But I was happy. Really, really happy. Almost every day. Now it seems that my life has become the reverse. I am responsible, do well in school, and am amply prepared for the future in most ways (money being the only issue-but really, when isn't it?), but the days pass me by in a blur, and I rarely crack a genuine, uncontrollable smile, never mind a laugh. It's not that I'm depressed or anything of that sort, but I do believe that I have become numb to the thousands of beautiful things I pass by each day. The worst part is that I know these things and moments and people exist, but still, they bring me very little genuinely felt joy. I am in desperate need of balance. How to achieve it, though? The more I think about it, the more I start to understand what I've lost over the past 4-5 years. I've lost self-esteem. I'm so self-conscious now, and it distracts me from seeing and appreciating all the things I used to love. Believe it or not, I used to be really outgoing, and I had a lot of friends. Now I get jealous of what other people have--how they dress, how they act, what they have, the music they listen to, the people they hang out with. It's so petty because I know that if I could walk a day in their shoes, I'd see that no one's life is as wonderful as it appears on the surface. Yet somehow, I've made myself believe that I am not worthy enough to be a part of other people's lives. I need to let go of all this petty jealousy. I will never have what other people have, because I am not them. I am Katherine Mary Zahara, and that is who I will always be, even after I die. This is something I have to learn to understand and embrace. I must stop spending my time thinking about what I'm not, and spend my time living as the person that I am. I've held myself back for too long now, and I think it's time to cut myself loose. I've seen so many things in my life, but it is time for me to stop reflecting on those things and find and create new things that I can reflect upon later. As Rousseau so eloquently said, "enough reflections for a traveler; it is time to continue my journey!" "I think its time to repaint. It's time to repaint myself. Maybe blue or green or something in between." [empty bottle//ingrid michaelson]

fall.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 11:27:52 -0700

It has been quite some time since I've updated. I really just haven't been in the mood to, I suppose. Not sure what to say. I'm still not sure, but for some reason I felt the need to write today. This weekend I drove up to Maine to spend time with J.Shea. It was a great time. And I loved the drive. The foliage was at it's peak and the weather was perfect. I stopped by home for a few hours on the way back. And as I drove through the roads in Georgetown, I realized just how much I love that area. It feels like home in a way that nothing ever has. I have never felt attached to any place in this world, but I've lived in Georgetown longer than I have ever lived anywhere else, and it's the first place where I feel like I am coming home every time I go back. Every place around it holds so many memories. Physical proof that I changed a lot during my time there. As I was driving through some magnificent foliage on the way back to Connecticut, I thought about how trees are a lot like humans. We start from something very small, and grow to be large. We need particular conditions and sometimes must be planted in certain places in order to grow well. And we surround ourselves with people that need the same soil and climate, even if they are a different kind of tree. Inside, trees have rings that show how old they are, and what they have survived through--forest fires, ice ages, etc. We have those too, in a way. And sometimes those scars are on the surface. Maybe we were almost cut down, or had passionate love carved into our bark. And most of the time, we both know when it is time to change. A chill in the air, the migration of geese and butterflies--something within us tells us to change. And we display a palette of brilliant colors, and those around us do the same. And then we let go of the things that we need to let go of. They fall to the ground; to our base. They feed our roots that lie deep beneath the surface, becoming a part of them. But then we grow new things, that are young and hopeful and green. I've been in a very strange place since the day I came back to school. I don't know what it is, but I think I am on the verge of changing colors. I've felt...dull. I don't know how else to describe that. The other week I realized that I have almost no friends at school. And I'm talking, friends that I could be like "let's go grab a cup of coffee" without it being awkward. I have plenty of people that I get along with in classes, that I say 'hi' to when I see them around, but not many friends. The girls I live with are the people I would hang out with, even if we didn't live together. Other people like that in my life have faded, and that's no one's fault in particular. It's just the result of a lack of effort on both parts. Anyway, realizing that depressed the hell out of me for a bit. I feel a little better about it all now, I mean, I'm graduating in the spring and next semester I will be student teaching, so I won't be around much. But, I guess that I just long to have people around me that are...the same kind of tree, if you will. Because similar trees can still be markedly different inside and outside. They have different stories, but at the core, their hearts are similar. I've pegged myself as an observer. I like to observe other people, and think and write about them, and who they might be, what their stories are, and so much more. But...as much as I like to be an observer, I also want to be a part of something. Something to be observed. I've been writing a lot more lately. Just private files, random paragraphs and sentences about random people. I think it's good for me. The more I grow, the more I fall in love with writing and wish that I was better at it. I think I'd like to take some courses, maybe Saturday term or something, when I have a real teaching job. So, I'm in a weird place right now. I don't know how to explain it, really, other than I think that I am getting ready to change colors.

give me a reason.

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 17:55:40 -0700

I've been thinking about seeing a therapist on campus again. I saw one for fall semester my sophomore year, and it was at a crucial time in my life. My sister got back in touch with my father, finding out about the new family he's had. Three boys and a little girl that looks just like I did at her age. It just helped so much to be in a place where I could be open and honest, and not hold anything back. Talking to a complete stranger who held no secret alliances or passed their judgements of me on to others. In a way, it makes me sad that I am unable to be frank and honest with those around me, but it's not them. It's me. And I'm working on that. Maybe one more round of therapy would help me progress closer to that point. I express myself through writing in here, but you can't stay silent forever. The burning in your gut needs to be let out in some way. I got some really great news the other day. I can't say what it is, but it made me feel so much better about the choir situation. I still think I will talk to Dr. Bolkovac, but this news was so great that I don't even care about the whole thing anymore. It is what it is. Life is so much more than this, and I have great things ahead of me. Today was a perfect rainy day. It was such a relief from the humid, muggy weather we've had for a week or so. I drank hot tea and held my umbrella and wore my long black turtleneck with khakis and listened to eric hutchinson and meiko. It was perfect. Tonight I'm driving a freshman music ed. major to church rehearsal. She might be taking the soprano section leader position. I hope she's chill. I've been looking forward to driving myself to and from rehearsals and church, so if I'm going to have that time taken away from me, I just hoping that she is good company. I just really, truly treasure my time alone. This semester I have a lot of classes with the Junior Music Ed. class here. They are a really great group of kids, so I'm really excited about that. I don't have many close friends on campus, and I'm probably known for being really shy, but I hope that I can move past some of that shyness and get to know some of them. Also, now that I know what time my voice lessons are (2.30-3.30 Fridays), I have a clearer idea of what my schedule will be like. I plan on doing field work for one of my classes on Tuesday mornings, so even though I haven't contacted the place that I want to work at, I know that when they ask for availability, I will only give them Tuesday mornings. That way, Thursdays will be really open for me--I only have one class, 2.05-2.55. I'm hoping to work in regular workouts and practice time. I also want to do some pilates workouts here at the place on days that I don't want to/don't have time for a proper workout at the gym. Musically, I want to practice piano and voice on a much more regular basis (especially now that I've fulfilled all my piano class requirements), and play guitar more often. I am really hoping that I can focus on these goals and accomplish them. I won't be perfect at all this at first, I know, but I think that once I get into a rhythm, it'll be easier for me to keep on top of all this. In other news, I have about 40 minutes until I have to pick up that girl for church choir rehearsal, and I've nothing more to write! So...I think I'll just go waste some time. :)

no words.

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 23:06:26 -0700

No words in the English language could possibly quantify how I'm feeling. Furious. Angry. Hurt. Irate. Cheated. Sad. Depressed. Nothing. I walked back from my car. I had to park far away. I walked, in my Sunday dress, cardigan, and heels, holding a bag of discount DVDs. Alone. Across crushed beer cans, plastic cups, and other litter. And all I could think, as I put my key in the hole to get into my apartment, was, "I am so miserable." I have dedicated two years of my choir experience here at Hartt to Chamber Choir. Prior to this year, it was an invitation-only choir. Now that it's a course for credit, Dr. Bolkovac said he was going to re-audition the group. I'm not the best singer in the world, by far. BUT I have been in this group for two years. Not as a last-minute replacement, not to 'help out', but as a real, true member. Invited in. And kept there. For two years. I walked up the stairs, to the fourth floor. I looked at the sheets on the bulletin board. My name was not on the list for Chamber Choir. It sounds so stupid that I am so furious about this. I don't think I can explain how much this has upset me. My last year of college, my last semester of choir. Why now? If he hated me that much, he could have let me go at any time. Why now? Am I so unbearable that he couldn't stand me in the group for one more semester? What is the difference between me and those people that got to stay? Oh yeah. They kiss his ass, and I don't. They pretend to think he's God's gift to choral conducting, and I don't. I see him for what he is. A crabby old bastard who can be nice, about once a year. I work hard. I'm a good student. I'm a decent singer. I'm punctual and I do what I'm told. I'm an attentive choir member. I've proven that this past 2 years. What more do I have to do to prove my dedication to this group? The others get to stay. Those who ruin their voices by smoking cigarettes, and pot, and who get drunk every night. Show up to rehearsal and concerts stoned or drunk. How responsible. I don't think I've ever felt so unjustly treated in my life. That feeling of unhappiness so far at school was just fading away. And then this. Driving home, I drove by a major accident on the highway for the second day in a row. I shed a tear both times.

dang.

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 09:35:55 -0700

I'm back at school. I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days. Ever since the morning I left home. I just really did not want to come back to school. I'm not entirely sure why. I haven't told anyone this yet, but on the way down, there was very heavy traffic, and I ended up hitting someone. It was a very small hit, and you couldn't see any visible damage at the time on his car, but it just put me in such a foul mood. All I could think was, "you're such an idiot, Kate." Anyway, so he called today and he said it looks like there's a crack that's only going to get worse, so he's going to get it checked out and see if how much it'll be. I believe him, I mean there was no visible damage at the time, but a crack, you wouldn't be able to see at first. And I hit him hard enough to make a crack, I'm sure. It was so stupid. So so stupid. I mean it was just like...the traffic was all stop and go, and my mind was elsewhere, and I really should have been paying attention more. Usually I'm a good and cautious driver, but I just lost focus. So, I mean, my insurance will cover it, I'm sure, but now I've got this little thing on my record, and my rates might go up, and now I have to tell my parents, and I JUST got the car registered and insured and all that. But, aside from that, I just don't feel happy to be back at school. Which, it's usually the complete opposite. Usually I'm really excited to get back to school. Nothing over the past few days has excited me or made me really happy or glad to be back. I hope friends won't take offense to that--I don't think it's the people, I think I'm just in a weird place right now. I'm hoping things will change. Classes start today, so I'll have some work to focus on and all that. But right now, I really just feel like doing nothing or crying or something...especially since that guy from the fender-bender just called. It just makes me feel so irresponsible. Also, I have to turn my Praxis waiver in to Megan in the Music Ed. office, and I know she's going to be a jerk about it, since it was due in like....1st semester sophomore year. But most of it was their fault, I just didn't mail it to her over the summer. I just hate feeling this way with no real reason to. I mean, there are things I know....like I know that I'll miss the carefree driving with my parents, and hanging out with J.Shea, and not having to be completely responsible for myself. But it's more than all that, I think. I just don't know what.