-cc- http://virb.com/whimoffate Virb 2.0 (@whimoffate) en Back http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/989798 here. It may, or may not, be your cup of tea.]]> Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:37:13 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/989798 I hate this. http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/981775 Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:31:51 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/981775 More for the Masses... http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/979669 Subtle Fluctuations. This time I talk about cleaning (ha), Mazzy's bout of croup and SNOW in Texas.]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:43:56 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/979669 Follow the link .... http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/971053 Subtle Fluctuations wherein I talk about the Poop Shirt Incident. And Mazzy's trip to Santa. And....]]> Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:13:10 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/971053 Another from Subtle Fluctuations http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/926096 alt
Independent
Originally uploaded by WhimOfFateI figure that Mazzy heard that I was talking smack about her being a "Daddy's Girl" because this morning while we were playing on the floor watching VH1 (and I was sipping coffee) she totally crawled in to my lap and snuggled me. Just sat there. Being snuggly.

My freaking independent "No Mommy, I can do it even though I don't know what thumbs are" child SNUGGLED me. And she wasn't sick. And I didn't have food.

And and and....

I am dead now. Surely. I must be dead. 'Cause no one can live after their mind has been blown like that.
]]> Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:19:49 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/926096 Like a song stuck on a loop....... http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/924507
Woobie

Life happened and I was robbed of a lot of those ideas. Two weeks of bedrest after giving birth made me feel weaker, more fragile. My inability to breastfeed without nipple shields made me reluctant to want to take the baby anywhere. Too inconvienant. There was, of course, the other issue of no longer having a car to help me get away from the duldroms of the stay-at-home mom life. Not having other options sort of helped me give in and become THAT kind of mom.

Destructor

I spent the first few months dealing with the new parent thing. I texted my husband every time Mazzy had a poopie. I video taped every coo and gurgle. I micro-managed every detail of her life so that we had the 'perfect' schedule so that once we were able to start getting out, it would be easy. Every time I did something stupid like that I was able to tell myself that I will 'get over it.' I would open myself up to other experiences and my life would get broader, again. Ha.

I accepted that I wasn't going to get what I wanted about the time that I realized two things: The first was that my child is not social. At all. The other was that once my in-laws moved in I recognized that the time Adam and I had to focus on our little family was over and we were never going to get it back.

Tantrum

Money got tight, because our economy sucks, and I am back working at the Coffee Mines for just enough money to pay for groceries. I am able to squeeze in 28-30 hours a week working nights and weekends while managing to stay home with my daughter during the day. If it wasn't putting food on my table, I would quit. No questions, no regrets. I am tired. I am cranky. I am FINALLY losing the baby weight, and I hate it. But, you do what you have to do to support your family.

I have heard moms talk about being in love with their baby. I don't agree. I am not IN LOVE with Mazzy. That is creepy. I am fascinated by her. I am in awe of her spirit. I am proud of her. I am humbled by her, but I am not in love with her.

First Balloon

I will be honest, I had no idea what to expect from my child. I know what I heard other people said my kid was going to be like. I know that I got sucked in to that "My baby is going to be like this..." game because it was funny and people laughed when I attributed some aspect of myself with some other completely contradictory aspect of Adam's personality on to our helpless offspring. Yeah, some of it has been true. She is fierce and independent, just like Adam. She has my unpredictable temper. Mazzy has other things about her that I never would have seen coming. She is graceful. She is loving and generous. I guess I should have expected it, but she has none of the wickedness I have come to expect from myself.]]> Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:02:11 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/924507 Mom-mom and other ways to signal defeat http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/917555
Another aspect of my daughter that continues to perplex me is her attitude toward Adam and how it differs from her attitude with me. I won't even call them subtle differences, because, frankly, they aren't. Not to me, at any rate. For instance, if Mazzy wants something from me and I am keeping it from her, she just keeps reaching for it. She will babble and yell and grunt and reach, reach, reach for it. When she is dealing with me she is determined and straight-foward. There is no wavering or fear in her eyes. When she wants something from Adam, she will thrust her lower lip out and wait. Seriously. She just gets cute and waits for Adam to give in. That is her strategy. AND IT WORKS. Disgusting.

Something else that I have noticed is that when Mazzy says "DaDa" it is joyful and excited, as though she has waited her whole day just to see him. Her face lights up and she reaches out to him. The other times she says DaDa is when she is playing and it is the best playtime EVER and she squeals his name. So, I can conclude that DaDa is joy. DaDa is fun and safe and pretty much the best thing since a warm boobie.

She says Mom-mom differently. When she calls for me, it is always at the height of her frustration. If she is having trouble dragging her blanket from between the crib bars, or she can't reach the last puff on her tray, she calls out Mom-mom with such anguish. I have to fix it. I am compelled to swoop in and save the day. I would worry that I am holding her back or keeping her from learning to do things on her own, but my kid is fierce. She WANTS to do it by herself. Mazzy only asks for help when there are no other options in her nine month old brain. There is a certain amount of shame in her voice, if such a thing is possible, when she calls for me. Because I don't want her to be ashamed to ask for help, I try and play it cool. I show her how to do it for the next time and give her a respectable kiss on the top of her head. I think I am doing it right because she will smile up at me like, "Dude. You totally saved my rep."

I hope that sometime in the future I won't just be the last resort. Mom-mom won't be laced with the sound of defeat and pain. I will be relief and love and more than just the lady who rescues the blanket.

*As always, posted to Subtle Fluctuations first*]]> Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:58:08 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/917555 whimoffate @ 2008-11-04T10:12:00 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/912294 alt
Can I haz bath, plez?
Originally uploaded by WhimOfFateIn an effort to be annoying, I am going to post pictures when I blog. Because I can. I am going to post pictures that have nothing to do with what I am writing about. Because I can.

I am handling the stress better these days. Mazzy is making life so much more fun. I laugh a LOT. And not always at her. She can make me laugh. When we are playing on the floor and she is being so much smarter than I am about stuff, well, it makes me laugh.

Mazzy is getting in to everything. If she can reach it, she will destroy it. It is an endearing quality that I am learning to appreciate.

We still do VH1 in the morning. Mazzy has her music preferences. I am too embarrassed to say that they are, just know that my daughter has a wide variety of musical influences at her young age.

At least I know she likes music.

Mom is without a car and I have been doing my best to keep an eye on her. I am tired. There isn't much more to that. She will be moving in at the end of the month. Joy. I am having a hard time adjusting to the idea, but I am confident that I will learn.

There are a thousand moments in the day that I want to record and share. Pieces of my life that I don't want to forget, but when I sit down to write I am constantly interuppted. Mazzy is my favorite distraction.

I guess that I have cycled out of the really overwhelming darkness I was experiencing. I am lighter, more relaxed, so I am taking advantage of that time by putting my more positive energy in to my daughter. She seems to enjoy it.

My brother-in-law and his wife are not going to make it. Watching their marriage fall apart has made me evaluate what I think a successful relationship is. How do I define 'success?' How does Adam define it? Do these two things line up in a complimentary way? We are constantly working on maintaining what we have together.

I feel very small these days. My life is small. My world is small. My thoughts are small, but I am happier than I have been in the past. I am focused on what truly makes me happy, so even with all the chaos and pain around me, I am good.
]]> Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:08:23 -0800 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/912294 Blog update link http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/897400

More at Subtle Fluctuations]]> Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:26:23 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/897400 Voice Post http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/829786 Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:29:06 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/829786 Thoughts on Respect? http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/766122
Posing a question about respect over at my other blog.]]> Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:17:54 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/766122 Update http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/759406 Subtle Fluctuations]]> Thu, 07 Aug 2008 16:55:21 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/759406 Today's Post http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/756701 Subtle Fluctuaions


There are times in my marriage when I have to sort of tell myself, "Duh. Adam's totally loves me." He, like, homeroom loves me. He passes me notes during the class of our life that are all, "Your hair smells pretty. Wanna make out behind the swings?" A perfect example of this happened today.

Recently the Kids destroyed the only phone in the house with caller I.D., forcing us to use a phone that has no base and, of course, no caller I.D. This translates in to me having to answer the phone NO MATTER WHAT. I have spoken to several bill collectors (I am sorry, but Wayne is dead. Please mail the proper forms so that I can get you the copy of the Death Certificate), machines telling me that I can save money, and people selling me things. This afternoon topped the cake. I had an out-of-state bill collector call and ask FOR MY NEIGHBORS!!!!

While I was pleasantly taking down the information so that I could file against the company, my husband walks in and proceeds to determine that I am talking to our neighbor's bill collector. Before I was able to lower the Hammer of Bitchy, Adam reaches over and unplugs the phone from the wall. There was all this back and forth about me explaining what I was going to do and how he stole my thunder (because, DUH) and he starts getting really upset. Adam starts rambling about how it was unfair that all the 'crazies' flock to me. He is holding me and petting my hair, telling me that he was sorry that all of 'this' was falling on me and that if he has to start chasing off people, he would because I deserved better.

Later that afternoon Adam's brother asked me to drive his wife to the mall so that she could go shopping. I was telling Adam about this and it prompted a HUGE fit. He was cussing his brother and life and the Universe about how it was totally unfair that Jonah thought that it was okay to send his wife out shopping when they are living in our house and they should be focused on saving money and moving out.

Well, and Adam was upset because I am still wearing maternity clothes because we can't afford to go shopping.

Adam doesn't get angry often, but when he does, it is a sight. When the anger is directed at someone other than me, well, it makes me warm on the inside and I want to flex my toes in contented joy.

It seems that my husband is worried about me. I am okay, but I can see where he would see the potential for disaster: I am planning the memorial for the man I didn't particularly like. I am trying to arrange for his baby brother to get out of jail to attend the aforementioned memorial. I am helping my sister-in-law maintain her sobriety by being an unofficial sponsor and making sure she is getting to NA meetings. I have been helping wrangle my niece and nephew all day long. I am doing the entire house cleaning. I am doing the laundry. I am baby-sitting my mother's emotional state. I am staying on top of things. I have been so on top of things that my daughter barely recognizes me and actually rejected me yesterday. In case you were wondering I did, in fact, cry myself to sleep over it.

It is just strange. I don't think I have ever had someone be so protective of my emotional state before. It is like getting a cookie. Or a shiny ring. But, instead it is a tic-tac and a hug.]]> Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:34:53 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/756701 On Pause http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/752087 Subtle Fluctuations:

"Adam's father, Wayne, was found dead in his apartment on Friday."

I keep repeating the phrase, for one reason, or another, all day long. Sometimes it is said out loud, but mostly it is on a loop, echoing forever and constant in my head. The motivation behind the repetition is still a mystery to me, but I let it happen. Perhaps I am trying to come to terms with the reality of such a thing. Wayne is dead.

My relationship with my father-in-law was, at best, complicated, and over the years I have lost respect for him, my husband, and myself because of his actions, and our reactions to them. At his passing I am very clearly relieved and tentatively hopeful that once this grief has cut through our family we will be able to heal, scarring over previously infected emotional tissue, becoming stronger versions of ourselves.

My role, since marrying in to this madness, has always been to make things run smoothly, and arranging for Wayne's cremation and the future memorial is no exception. It is strangely balanced for me to be cleaning up after Wayne's death, sort of sweeping his life in to a neat pile and disposing of it the most humane way I am able.

Do you really ever dispose of a life? Is that even possible?

Wayne had four children, each one wearing different battle scars from their relationship with their father. None of the four children are particularly close, all of them strangely held apart from their siblings, harboring their own impressions of family ties that are oddly similar, but the kids would never know that. They don't talk. Most of them don't talk about emotional issues and none of them really talk about their father. It is as if there is a black space there where Father would be. They don't turn to each other, but they have each turned to me to express their grief and guilt, their shame and their anger. The sister has flashes of pleasant memories and respect for this actions that she is able to hold on to. It is strange how she is the only one that really needs that to move on.

I am tired. I have been bouncing from one family member to another, easing their grief for a man that I couldn't stand. It is strange. Ironic? Absurd? Maybe. Karma, most likely. I have come to peace with the fact that there is little in life that is fair. There are just things that have to be done and people capable of seeing them completed.

I think about that ridiculous show on TNT, "The Closer" and I compare the concept to my role in this life. It is like I am a closer for family drama. I get things done. I flush out the secrets and the pain, forcing people to deal with them, so they can move on.

Last month we took on the in-laws and I thought that I would fail. I have yet to fail. I am relieved; actually, that they were here and that Stefanie is clean because I don't know how I could have balanced the addiction and Wayne's death and the soon-to-be known marriage of the youngest family member to a man that we all feel is wrong for her. I will deal with that disaster once that information becomes common knowledge.

I would like to add, here, some pithy or profound statement about the state of affairs in my life, but I am unable to access that. I just keep moving forward, trying to be as sensitive as possible to everyone else's emotions at this point. I stayed up after Adam went to bed last night to read in the near dark. I needed to be alone. I am never really alone anymore and with all of the people clinging and grasping and vomiting their emotions on me, I am heavy with Presence, if such a thing is conceivable.

If gas was cheaper, or we weren't so broke, or I wasn't needed, I would be invisible. I would be on the wind. I would be, well, not me. I am feeling so very solid right now, so weighted by the world. It is a difficult feeling when I can remember being light and free. It was a million years ago and I don't know why I don't just let that part of me go. It is sad that I am the thing holding down the memory of my own freedom. Have I become my own chain?

These are deceptively reasonable thoughts. I need to stop this train of thought before I am derailed. There is no time to be crazy or needy right now.]]> Sun, 03 Aug 2008 12:40:53 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/752087 The End http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/750091
I am undeniablely relieved.  It is over.  Once Adam is able to grieve, our lives will move on.  We are going to be filled to the brim with out-of-town mourners, but I am prepared for that.  I might even be able to cry.   ]]> Fri, 01 Aug 2008 22:55:28 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/750091 People Food http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/748651

My nephew, who is three and eats no food that might interfere with his sugar intake, snatched a crescent roll from his mother's plate last night, stuffing the whole thing in his mouth. Grinning around its flaky goodness he mumbles, "I love people food! Do you want my buttery muffin?"]]> Fri, 01 Aug 2008 10:20:04 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/748651 From Subtle Fluctuations.....New Hair http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/692846 Before Before


After Happy after Vain about After Preening It's the backside, yo! And After!

Pictures of the night out to test run the hair will follow later....I do most of the posting on my Blogger, now, but I]]> Sun, 29 Jun 2008 19:25:12 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/692846 Lazy http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/660323
Go Here]]> Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:51:46 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/660323 Upright and Eager http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/654034 alt
Upright and Eager, originally uploaded by WhimOfFate.

Here is a lovely picture of Mazzy, because I know that you have been missing her dearly...ha.




In other news, Mom is heading back in to the hopsital, Adam's family is having a reunion, my family is heading in from Indiana and we still only have one car. Joy. When I was younger I wanted to be a Super Hero, I just didn't think I meant this.]]> Fri, 06 Jun 2008 19:02:04 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/654034 Observation http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/647354
So I have that rattling around in my head as I wean my daughter from the boobie completely and as I encourage her to go to sleep on her own, without snuggles and rocking and I worry if I am laying the first bricks in the wall of our future understanding and relationship. I might fear the consequences, but if I do this and she is independant, isn't that what I want? Will I be able to balance her feeling of independence while instilling a knowledge within that Mommy will always stand up with her against monsters and bad things?

I just don't want her to ever feel alone.

Random:

I sing the following verse to Mazzy to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"

My baby is cute-ness
All wrapped up in GLEE
My baby has cute-ness
As cute as can be]]> Tue, 03 Jun 2008 02:33:32 -0700 http://virb.com/whimoffate/posts/text/647354