There isn't much in my life that I feel I'm very good at, I often look at my career and think: "anyone could do this better than me" (but I attribute the pessimism to a healthy dose inbred "realism" — be prepared for the worst because hopes are often dashed, which isn't a good feeling, so avoid it all together). Yet, there a few things for which I feel I have a talent and with that comes some feelings ...

There's an exchange in the film "There Will Be Blood" between Daniel Plainview and (who he believes is) his long lost brother Henry. Upon hearling this dialog I immediately felt a shameful connection between how I felt and what Daniel was confessing:

Plainview: Are you an angry man, Henry?
Henry Brands: About what?
Plainview: Are you envious? Do you get envious?
Henry Brands: I don't think so. No.
Plainview: I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
Henry Brands: That part of me is gone... working and not succeeding- all my failures has left me... I just don't... care.
Plainview: Well, if it's in me, it's in you. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone.
Henry Brands: What will you do about your boy?
Plainview: I don't know. Maybe it will change. Does your sound come back to you? I don't know. Maybe no one knows that. A doctor might not know that.
Henry Brands: Where is his mother?
Plainview: I don't want to talk about those things. I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little, Henry... to have you here gives me a second breath. I can't keep doing this on my own with these... people.

(*emphasis mine)

I won't get into specifics or details other than to say that I often feel myself filling with jealously and contempt for someone whom I feel isn't as gifted or talented as I am, but somehow manages to find success that eludes me. I spiral into an entitlement and injustice rage, blaming circumstances, God, life, anything for why I'm left behind and floundering.

Part of me realizes that the "true" motivation within is the determination to succeed and be the best at what I do (which I feel is a fine place to start), but I give my power away to petty emotions that keep me from achieving the very thing I'm in a rage about. I waste my efforts. I pout. I sit on the sidelines. I throw stones.

I don't know how to celebrate with someone when they succeed (at least not when what they do is in direct competition with what I do).

It's shameful to admit, shameful to recognize (while something I do little to alter). This is something I need to work on — keeping my determination to excel, the competition to win, while eliminating my anger at the things I cannot control. Maybe its something you need to work on to?