You're a debt-phobe, he's got ten credit cards maxed out.
You're a saver, she's a spender.
You think life is to be lived, he thinks the cheap bottle of wine is just fine.

What do you do when you and your partner have strong differences around money?
This is a tough issue, and it can take years to create a financial M.O. that both parties can live with.

Here are some ways to start working as a team.

1. Take heart. Different ways of handling money can lead to a stronger economic unit than two people who have similar vulnerabilities. Differences usually include different strengths. Forging an M.O. based on differing strengths can ultimately be more successful than two spendthrifts who get along well, as they sink financially.

2. Let go of judgment. When our partner's financial conduct is threatening to us (and let's face it: our financial well-being is extremely close to the bone!), it's easy to point angry fingers. While understandable, this entrenches each person into the position of Judge versus Wrongdoer. The tension is exacerbated, and diminishes the chances of growing together as a financial team.

Try this. At a time and place when you are each relaxed, engage in a judgment-free exploration of each other's financial behaviour. What drives them? Did your partner's family lose everything, so now she is unwilling to risk a penny? Or perhaps did one grow up with a lot of money but a lot of bitterness, so now 'material possessions' seem empty and undesirable? Very likely, you will discover something that you can relate to, and your temptation to judge will be tempered by understanding and compassion. From there, you can consider possible solutions to your conflicts.

3. As a couple, write out the strengths (yes, the strengths) the other person brings to the table. This can be challenging depending on how far down the road you are, but give it your very best try - as long as you can be sincere. Share your list with your partner, then together, write a combined list of your strengths as a couple. This exercise is based on the business principles of "Appreciative Inquiry," ie., building on strengths is more effective than repair-based models of organizational improvement. Let there be some joint positive energy around this. Celebrate your combined strengths. Place the list where you both can see it. Elicit the best from one another.

This may not be an easy path to negotiate. It touches on our basic survival instincts - our 'rice bowl', as Steven Covey puts it. It will call for diplomacy, patience, forgiveness and courage - at the times we seem least to have them. Have hope. Consider these exercises a beginning point towards forging yourselves into a money team. You may need extra resources - a couples' counselor, a seminar on conflict resolution, and above all, time. Avail yourselves of them! Money, like so many other aspects of relationship, can ultimately become a place of confidence, safety and even intimacy together, with dedicated attention and care.